...Even if You Stand Alone

Last Friday Hannah had a birthday party to go to. It was for one of her closest friends, which also happens to be in our ward.  She was so excited about it because it was going to be 6 hrs long!!

The party started out awesome...she went bowling, ate pizza & fries, and played field games with all the rest of the kids. The final thing on the agenda for the party was to watch a movie.

I realize that my standards aren't everyone else's standards and I often find myself being the "odd one out" because I have such firm, conservative boundaries when it comes to my children and the home I create for them. I am very picky when it comes to what media sources come into my home and the amount of time the kids are allowed to use them. It's just who I am and the way I feel most comfortable parenting my kids. Sometimes, though, I forget everyone doesn't view things the way I do.

A few months ago I went on a "girls night out" with some friends. We went to dinner and then a movie. The movie was considered a "family movie" and I was actually really excited to see if because it looked cute and it was PG! 

Well, it turned out to be a major disappointment...not "story line" wise, because it was a really cute movie, but when it came to the language, I was SO surprised!! They had a little girl (about 5) swearing in it!  I was like...What?!?  Why would they add that in there? This is suppose to be a family movie!!

The cussing was completely irrelevant...it wasn't like it was war scene with lots of stress & action, you know?  It was completely unnecessary!  It just broke my heart because I had hoped to see the movie again as a "family night out"...but there's no way I'd take my kids to that movie knowing, first of all, the swearing, and secondly, it was marketed to kids (totally against my principles).

So, I'm assuming you've already figured out that it was that same movie that was being shown at the party.

I get a text from Hannah telling me that was the movie they were going to watch and she wanted to know if it was ok for her to watch it. She knew what I thought of the movie because she had heard me complain about it for several days after I had seen it.

This is where I failed as a mom, and this is why I'm writing this post...

I knew in my heart that I didn't want her to see it. I knew in my heart that it wasn't appropriate. I knew I needed to tell her not to but I also knew it should be her choice...she's almost 12 now.

I went to text back and felt the "Am I too strict?" doubts creeping into my head. I really wanted her to enjoy herself and I knew she would feel really uncomfortable/embarrassed if I made her leave early. I had a feeling that she'd make the right choice so I simply said something like..."That's ok. It has cussing in it though. What do you think?"

As soon as I hit send, I knew I had worded it wrong. I knew as soon as she read the words "That's ok" she would feel I was giving her the green light, and she did. She chose to stay.

I felt really uncomfortable the rest of the evening. And I kept hoping my memory wasn't 100% accurate and that maybe there weren't as many as I thought there had been.  When I picked her up, we spoke a little on the subject and I could tell that she had an issue with the swearing but as I did, she thought it was cute anyway.

When we got home, I heard her telling Greg..."It had some cussing in it but it was still really cute!"

Those words were like knives to my heart!! I had just taught my amazing daughter to justify watching a movie with swearing in it because it was cute.  I'M SUCH A MAJOR LOSER!!!

I spoke with Greg after the kids were in bed and he seemed disturbed by it to. But I explained to him that I had began my texting to her with "That's ok". I TOLD HER IT WAS OK TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH SWEARING IN IT!!  What was I thinking?!?!?  We then spoke about how we needed to talk with her and somehow undo that justification because we both knew we couldn't let this get by us. Even though I began the problem (Hannah knew she shouldn't watch the movie or else she wouldn't have texted me) we both knew we had to try and fix it.

This morning I was reading from the Ensign. I had gotten to the back where the talks to the Young Women are. Since I'm now in the YW Presidency, I thought it would be a good idea to quickly read over them. I began with the talk by Sis Dibb  "Arise and Shine Forth".

After reading it, I knew exactly what to do. During our breakfast I brought up the subject. I asked Hannah how she felt about watching that movie. Those dreaded words again..."It had some swearing but it was still really cute." I wanted to cry!

I then went into my apology and told her I hadn't been a good example. I hadn't showed her the right path. I was too busy worrying about her "having fun" and "fitting in" and my own insecurities to stand up for what I knew was right. I also explained that I didn't want to offend the other mother, because I think she's awesome and I didn't want her to think I was judging her.

I told her I was so sorry and that I had made the wrong choice when wording her text ("That's ok").  I explained that I should have told her how I felt about the movie and then just let her choose.

This is when the dagger was shoved deeper into my heart.

Hannah's reply..."yea, I was really surprised when you told me it was ok because I knew it has swearing in it." I felt like a TOTAL loser!!  She would now see me differently, even though I was trying to fix my mistake.

I again apologized. 

Hannah then said that she knew she shouldn't have watch the movie, even after I told her it was OK, but the thought of being the only one to leave (and the fact the the two other Mormon girls weren't) made her really uncomfortable. I told her I understood but we both should have stood up for what we know is right.

Then a quote from the talk I had just read came into my mind. I ran over and began reading it to Hannah.  I got all choked up because once again, the shame was rising within me.

The quote read...

"My young friends, be strong...You know what is right and what is wrong, and no disguise, however appealing, can change that....If your so-called friends urge you to do anything you know to be wrong, you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone."

..."you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone"...those words rang out with truth and I explained to Hannah that we both failed to do that. We were both worried about what others thought of us and we can't let it happen again.  Hannah agreed with me and we both shed a few tears over our learning experience.

It's times like these that make me grateful for the Ensign, for the words of the Prophet, and for our Savior's forgiveness.

I can only hope that my bad example doesn't end up hurting Hannah in the long run. She's never been one to bend with the wind...and I had given her the "go ahead" to do so. I hope she realizes that I was wrong and should NEVER have handled that situation the way I did.

I think I am going to make a plaque to hang on my wall with those words...

"Be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone!"

"I Don't Know"

This is for all you moms out there that have said..."What the HECK were you thinking?!?!"

As I begin this story, you may think to yourselves..."I know what's gonna happen" BUT I wouldn't be so sure. As this unfolded, I continued to be in awe of the situation and, at times, decided to laugh so that I wouldn't cry!

About two weeks ago...(I'm listening from my room as I'm folding clothes)

Hannah: "Gabe, why does your room stink?"
Gabe:  No reply
Hannah: "Gabe! Did you fart or something? It stinks!!  Did you just go poop?"
Gabe: quietly..."yes"

Hannah then walks into the bathroom...

Hannah: "Oh my GOSH!!!  It stinks so bad in here Gabe! You need to use the fan from now on!"
Gabe: quietly "ok"

Hannah then turns on the fan and comes into my room and retells the story that I just listened to. She kept going on and on about how bad it smelled and she couldn't believe that Gabe made it stink so bad. I didn't think much of it and we all continued getting ready for bed.

The next day I was walking down the hall towards Gabe's bedroom. When I got near the bathroom, I quickly stepped in and turned off the fan. It had been on ALL night!  Note to self: give lecture to the kids about them paying for the electricity themselves if they don't start turning things off.

Later in the day I walk by the bathroom...and I smell an odor. I quickly go in and glance around, check the toilet, etc, trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. I was in a hurry so I just turned on the fan and decided I'd figure it out later.  Note to self: cancel the above stated lecture.

That night...

Hannah: "Mom, it really stinks in the hall and bathroom. Do you want me to turn on the fan again?"
Me: "I turned it back on earlier. Did you shut it off?"
Hannah:  "yea...I didn't stink anymore but now it does."
Me: I think to myself what a good choice it was to cancel the lecture..."Me too. I shut it off this morning but had to turn it on after lunch."  Hmmmmm....

So, this is where the drama begins. The little details are a little blurry because when I get to the point of "losing it", my memory seems to not work as well, so this may not be 100% accurate but close enough...

Hannah then goes to question Gabe again and she realizes that his room still stinks as well. He had slept in her room the night before or else I probably would have noticed. Within a minute, she comes back into my bathroom with her mouth wide open from disbelief...I knew I didn't want to hear...

Hannah: "Mom!!  Gabe pooped in his closet!!  He POOPED in his closet!!!"
Me: "WHAT?!?  GABE!!!  Get in here NOW!!!"

Gabe then enters slowly but doesn't seem to disturbed by the whole thing.

Me: "Gabe, why did you POOP in your CLOSET?!?"
Gabe: "I don't know."
Me: "What do you mean...you 'don't know'?"
Gabe: "I don't know."

I then proceed to go over the long list of consequences that he will now have...as Hannah is still trying to figure the whole thing out.

Hannah: "If you pooped in your closet, why does it stink in the bathroom?"
Gabe: "I don't know."  He looks guilty...
Me: "Gabe, what did you do with the poop? Did you flush it down the toilet?"
Gabe: ...looks as if he's pleading the 5th...

Hannah then leaves to go figure out the stinky mystery as I continue on with the now longer list of consequences. Then she returns...

Hannah: "Well...I figured out why it stinks in the bathroom. Gabe put his poop in the garbage."

Hannah was almost laughing because it was just so unbelievable but I lost it...

Me: "GABE!!! You put your poop in the GARBAGE?!?!" Why, Gabe, WHY?!?!  Why would you put your poop in the garbage?!?!"
Gabe: "I don't know."
Me: "How can you NOT know why you pooped in your closet and then threw it away in the bathroom garbage?!?"
Gabe: "I don't know...I was just being lazy?"

At that point, he had to get out of that room before I did something I would regret. I told him that I wasn't going to clean it up because I wanted him to SMELL IT ALL NIGHT LONG!!! I knew that would probably be the worst consequence I could come up with because, ironically enough, he hates to be dirty and he's not a fan of germs...he's always washing his hands, etc. 

When he heard he'd have to sleep in the stinky room, he just fell apart and I felt MUCH better...as bad as that sounds. That night I tried to think of why he would do such a random thing. I began wondering if he had been asleep and was sleepwalking or something?  Or maybe I had him in timeout and he didn't think he could leave his room?

The next morning, I sat down with Gabe to hopefully get answers...

Me: "Gabe, have you figured out why you pooped in the closet?"
Gabe: "no"
Me: "You really have no idea why you did that?"
Gabe: shakes his head
Me: "Were you asleep? Could you not find the bathroom?"
Gabe: "No, I was getting into my pajamas and I guess I just didn't want to hold it so I just pooped in the closet."
Me: "Gabe!! Why didn't you just go to the bathroom? It's right outside your door!"
Gabe: "I don't know."

By this point I knew there was no use continuing on with the questioning because he "didn't know" and if he did, he wasn't about to tell me. I took him upstairs so that he could clean up the mess in his closet (part of his punishment-I knew he'd hate it). As I looked inside his closet, I noticed that there were yellow marks as well...

Me: "Gabe.............(I didn't even want to ask)..................did you pee in the closet too?"
Gabe: "yea"
Me: "What the HECK were you thinking Gabe?!?!?  What is wrong with you??!!!??"
Gabe: "I don't know."



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............the joys of being a mother!!  :)