Increased Devices = Increased Depression

As parents, we’ve heard it so many times before: too much media is bad for our teenagers, but is that true? If so, is there a greater negative effect on our teenage daughters using social media platforms verses our teenage sons? And what about online gaming? Is there a negative effect to that type of online interaction? 

 

So many fingers are pointing to media sources as the cause of their teenager’s depression and suicidal thoughts. But is that accurate?

Though there are many studies that have tried to tackle this topic, most don’t uncover media use as a causation for teen depression and suicidal thoughts, but what’s important is the consistent correlation finding. More studies are needed to fine-tune the numbers, but knowing that there is a strong correlation between online media use and teenage boys and girls depression and suicidal thoughts, should be enough to make us, as parents, want to stop and pay attention to the data that’s being presented. 

 

As a mother of two children on the Autistic Spectrum, I know the difficulty that lies in trying to get a child off of a media source when they seem so much happier there, almost as if they’re in the type of world that makes them less stressed and more able to focus. I can see how media use can help kids on the spectrum, but I’m also aware that is can be hurtful as well. How do we, as parents, find that balance? And what about our kids who aren’t on the spectrum? Does online media use hurt them even more?

 

From my readings the answer lies within what type of online media source is being accessed, and which gender is accessing that certain type of media. For example, a teenage girl who likes to do online gaming will probably not have as much of a negative impact as that same teenage girl accessing an online social media app. Girls tend to be much more susceptible to the pressures to look a certain way, act a certain way, and talk a certain way. They have a deeper need and desire to “fit in” then most teenage boys, and teenage girls have higher requirements to achieve before they “fit in” than teenage boys do. Since online gaming is more of an attraction for teenage boys, they tend to have less of a correlation between their online media use and their depression/suicidal thoughts. This one difference is a major factor in why teenage girls struggle more with self-esteem than teenage boys. 

 

Allow me to discuss my favorite quotes from the article linked below:

 

“…suicidal thoughts [are] strongest among girls…[girls] are six times more likely than boys to report…symptoms of depression.” (Neighmond, 2017) 

If you are a parent of a teenage girl, the chances are they will struggle more with the pressures of online media sources than your teenage boys. Though boys may be less apt to share their struggles, we can see the pressures to fit into the ever-changing world of online media and social influencers becomes a challenge for many girls. One way to counter-act the pressures of the world outside our home is to limit our children’s access to it, and in my opinion, to offer self-esteem building moments as a family and within our home. The family is a tool the Lord created to help guide our children. Maybe do service projects together or sit down as a family and read good books next to the fireplace. Find way to connect outside of online media that will help your children feel loved, safe, needed and wanted. 

 

“…Hours spent in face-to-face activities – sports, parties, even just going to the mall with friends – seems to be protective,” (Neighmond, 2017).

Wow, look at us back in the day doing it right! We didn’t have social media. We didn’t have online apps and gaming. Our only option for interaction was over the phone, which was stuck to the wall with a 10” cord, or to actually get together face-to-face with our friends. Who knew that was a good tool to limit depression and suicidal thoughts. So… it’s back to the basics! We need to not only encourage our teenagers to gather together, but I believe we also need to give them a safe and inviting place to gather. Open our homes to the “I’m gonna eat you out of house and home” crowd and invite them in. Yes, that may mean you need to install security cameras in every room of your house, but it shows you care and it can lower the level of media pressures our children are bombarded with every day. 

 

“We are digital immigrants. We did not grow up with internet and cell phones… So there’s a real dilemma, in that we’re in charge of safeguarding our kids and teaching our kids how to be savvy digital users, and we don’t have all the skills. Many of us are afraid of the technology,” (Neighmond, 2017).

Sooo… we know the issue with online pressures. We have some ways to combat it (limiting online use) but how do we become the master protectors of a situation that we can barely grasp? A digital world we didn’t grow up in? There may not be a one-size fits all answer to that. But I can’t help but think three things:

 

Learn, learn, learn

Listen, listen, listen

Use, use, use

 

We need to be vigilant learners of the online world. We need to listen to our teenagers interacting with each other, like we’re undercover spies. We need to hop on and access the sites they access and play the games they play. Firsthand knowledge is far superior to receiving knowledge and advice from someone else. Find time to interact with your kids online. Sit down with your teenage son and have him teach you how to play his favorite game. Make fun videos with your girls so they can post them to their social media account with the caption “My dad’s such a dork”. Find way to infiltrate their online world, and create a safe, loving environment in their home. 

Increased Hours Online Correlate With An Uptick In Teen Depression, Suicidal Thoughts

More information on Devices & Depression

Too Much Praise May Lead to Higher Level of Narcissism In Children

How many times do we chose to say encouraging words to our kids so they'll believe us when we say how amazing we think they are? With a culture so full of comparisons and social pressures, we praise our kids so they love themselves, right? We don't want them to think negative thoughts about themselves, right? We NEED them to see themselves the way we see them? And surely we can't point out their faults because if we, as parents, see imperfections within our own children then how much more will they magnify those imperfections when viewing themselves? We can't do that to them, right? We can't be the source of their pain when we're meant to be the source of their pride. That would be unspeakable...

 

Unless...

 

Doing what we think is helpful to our children is actually VERY hurtful and could actually create within them narcissistic outlooks and entitlement issues. The name "Karen" comes to mind! And if that wasn't bad enough, too much unearned praise can actually lower a child's self-esteem and create a lack of trust in their parent.

 

I know what you're thinking...

 

Wait! What??  How does praising a child create a Karen and distrust? That doesn't make any sense!

 

Calm yourselves my dear, well-meaning parents. Take a deep breath and allow me to explain. 

 

It seems we’ve reached a point in our society where we can’t be honest about our children’s skills and limitations. This causes a negative snowball effect, where we decide to only comment about our children’s current strengths verses pointing out areas of their personality/choices that need strengthening and then, if that isn’t bad enough, we add on praising “strengths” that our child doesn’t even possess. These well-meaning actions cause a sense that the child’s world revolves around them, that they’re good at whatever they do, their beliefs are better than those around them, and that they should never be told anything negative because those words are hurtful. We are raising kids without resilience.

 

Allow me to quickly touch on a few of my favorite quote from the article in the links below.

 

 

“…Praise does not always bring about the outcome we hope it will” (Pocock, 2017)

The issue with too much praise and unearned praise is it can cause a fear of failure in the child. They can see their own weaknesses but fear that you don’t. That fear can actually stop them from trying new things because their weaknesses may be uncovered and their “proud” parents might be disappointed in them. Most kids look at schooling as the outcome, their grades. They don’t look at schooling as a process to learn, grow, and experience new things.

 

“…Many of us live in a society that values praise over engagement and end goals over process,” (Pocock, 2017).

As parents, do we put too much emphasis on our child’s grades, how many points they make, the number on the score card, to trophies lined up along our child’s wall? Do we value the learning process ourselves? How do we react if our child fails at something? Do we look at it like it’s a learning moment and a chance to have them try again? Or do we look at it as our child not reaching the level they’re expected to reach? When we focus too much on the goals and on the processes, which is where our focus should be, our children will feel they are going to school to “get high grades” verses going to school to learn. We need to help our children see that, first of all, the word “fail” is not a bad word. It’s a word that shows someone is trying to achieve something but didn’t make it. It shows a desire, a drive and a learning outlook. When we shy away from using that word or change its meaning, we are hindering not helping their self-esteem. The best way to help a child raise their self-esteem is to work hard at something that’s difficult to achieve. They may fail. They may fail again. But learning how to continue reaching for a goal and after hard work achieving it, is one of the best ways to increase our child’s self-esteem.

“Feedback is distinct from praise in that it engages with a child’s efforts rather than simply passing a value judgment on them,” (Pocock, 2017)

When we opt to give helpful feedback to our child, they can gain a love of learning and find pride in their growth. Focusing on the honest effort they put into something, no matter the outcome, is key and encouraging the child to try again if they didn’t achieve their goal, is essential. Showing our child areas of improvement is important, along with being very specific about their areas of success. Using words that highlight their effort, such as “I can tell you spent extra time the details in this section of your drawing,” are ways to help children use feedback as a boost of confidence while also pointing out the areas where the effort might not have been exerted as much. 

 

In a nutshell...

helpful feedback is the route to take to help your child gain desire to grow, learn and become their best selves. Using praise sparingly, and when it’s rightfully earned, can be a positive, but our overall focus on effort verses outcome will help our children gain essential life skills to improve their chances at adulthood success. Those who try hard and never give up, have the winning combination for higher success.

Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?

More Information on Praise & Narcissism 

The Still Face Experiment

Still Face Experiment by Dr Edward Tronick

 

Have you ever stopped to think about the importance of our expressions as parents to our children? Have you ever wondered if your expressions match up with what you feel on the inside, which could a good thing or a bad thing. Have you ever wondered if the messages your children receive by reading our facial expressions are accurate and reflect our inner feelings? 

 

I am here to say that I have considered this fact but not to the extent that I should.

 

Let’s discuss the Still Face Experiment. In a nutshell, they have a mom and toddler interact in a very normal way. The child loves their mother’s facial expressions and reacts approvingly by smiling and laughing. Their bond is almost tangible as the positive feelings both are having flood the screen. Then the mother is directed to simply stop interacting and reacting to their child for two minutes. The mother puts on a straight face and doesn’t react if the toddler laughs, smiles, points, etc. Within seconds, the child recognizes the change and they feel something is wrong. They begin doing the normal things to get a reaction from their mother, then quickly turn to screaming and tantruming as a way to regain their mother’s focus. The toddler seems confused, lost and unsure of how to react to the change in their mother. The mother is then allowed to interact as normal after the two minutes. With relief the toddler returns to their normal interactions and communication style with happy sounds and a smiling face.

 

 

This experiment helped me to see that my facial reactions and personal engagement are much more important than I would have initially assumed. As I stopped to think about the experiment I jotted this down:

 

“I need to control my facial expressions, interactions, and attention in those moments given to me by my children. I also need to make time to have those bonding moments, no matter if I feel they are too old. They need that connection. They need that interaction. They need to feel loved and special and important and of worth!”

 

These were raw feelings and ones I hope to continue to grasp onto. Being aware of my over-reaction and/or underreaction to my children will be my goal from this day forward.

 

Allow me to share my favorite quotes from the informational The Still Face video:

 

“Babies this young are extremely responsive to the emotions and the reactivity and the social interaction that they get from the world around them,” (Tronick, 2016).

This statement helps me to see that even when children are very young they are constantly watching us, learning from us, and have a desire to interact with us. They are true to their selves and do not overthink how they should react. They simply react the way they initially want to without stopping to consider how it might appear to others. That fact is what makes this experiment so authentic and believable. The toddlers have no preconceived notion on how they’re expected to perform. They simply do what they’re feeling, without any barriers.

 

“Then, we asked the mother to not respond to the baby. [Mother turns away from the baby and when she turns back her face is completely emotionless.] The baby very quickly picks up on this and then she uses all of her abilities to try and get the mother back,” (Tronick, 2016).

My heart sank when I listened to the narrator describe the moment as the child trying to get their mother back. I wondered how many times I’ve disengaged from my children due to my own personal struggles and if they could have felt like they lost me, like I wasn’t coming back. This knowledge inspires me to become a better mom. One who is engaged and one who stives to not allow my personal struggles to interfere with the important connection I need to foster with my children.

 

“It’s a little like the good, the bad, and the ugly. The good is that normal stuff that goes on that we all do with our kids. The bad is when something bad happens but the infant can overcome it. After all, when you stop the still face, the mother and the baby start to play again. The ugly is when you don’t give the child any chance to get back to the good, there’s no reparation, and they’re stuck in that really ugly situation,” (Tronick, 2016).

Concluding with the idea of the good, bad and ugly really caused me to understand how some children feel unloved and left behind by their parents. If they end up in an “ugly” situation, then they may feel completely abandoned and lost forever to their parent. I cannot let that happen with my children. I need them to know that I’m here, right beside them, for the long run, and that I’d walk to Hell and back for them.

 

~Celeste

 

 

The Straight Face Video

 

Additional information on The Straight Face experiment