How many times do we chose to say encouraging words to our kids so they'll believe us when we say how amazing we think they are? With a culture so full of comparisons and social pressures, we praise our kids so they love themselves, right? We don't want them to think negative thoughts about themselves, right? We NEED them to see themselves the way we see them? And surely we can't point out their faults because if we, as parents, see imperfections within our own children then how much more will they magnify those imperfections when viewing themselves? We can't do that to them, right? We can't be the source of their pain when we're meant to be the source of their pride. That would be unspeakable...
Unless...
Doing what we think is helpful to our children is actually VERY hurtful and could actually create within them narcissistic outlooks and entitlement issues. The name "Karen" comes to mind! And if that wasn't bad enough, too much unearned praise can actually lower a child's self-esteem and create a lack of trust in their parent.
I know what you're thinking...
Wait! What?? How does praising a child create a Karen and distrust? That doesn't make any sense!
Calm yourselves my dear, well-meaning parents. Take a deep breath and allow me to explain.
It seems we’ve reached a point in our society where we can’t be honest about our children’s skills and limitations. This causes a negative snowball effect, where we decide to only comment about our children’s current strengths verses pointing out areas of their personality/choices that need strengthening and then, if that isn’t bad enough, we add on praising “strengths” that our child doesn’t even possess. These well-meaning actions cause a sense that the child’s world revolves around them, that they’re good at whatever they do, their beliefs are better than those around them, and that they should never be told anything negative because those words are hurtful. We are raising kids without resilience.
Allow me to quickly touch on a few of my favorite quote from the article in the links below.
“…Praise does not always bring about the outcome we hope it will” (Pocock, 2017)
The issue with too much praise and unearned praise is it can cause a fear of failure in the child. They can see their own weaknesses but fear that you don’t. That fear can actually stop them from trying new things because their weaknesses may be uncovered and their “proud” parents might be disappointed in them. Most kids look at schooling as the outcome, their grades. They don’t look at schooling as a process to learn, grow, and experience new things.
“…Many of us live in a society that values praise over engagement and end goals over process,” (Pocock, 2017).
As parents, do we put too much emphasis on our child’s grades, how many points they make, the number on the score card, to trophies lined up along our child’s wall? Do we value the learning process ourselves? How do we react if our child fails at something? Do we look at it like it’s a learning moment and a chance to have them try again? Or do we look at it as our child not reaching the level they’re expected to reach? When we focus too much on the goals and on the processes, which is where our focus should be, our children will feel they are going to school to “get high grades” verses going to school to learn. We need to help our children see that, first of all, the word “fail” is not a bad word. It’s a word that shows someone is trying to achieve something but didn’t make it. It shows a desire, a drive and a learning outlook. When we shy away from using that word or change its meaning, we are hindering not helping their self-esteem. The best way to help a child raise their self-esteem is to work hard at something that’s difficult to achieve. They may fail. They may fail again. But learning how to continue reaching for a goal and after hard work achieving it, is one of the best ways to increase our child’s self-esteem.
“Feedback is distinct from praise in that it engages with a child’s efforts rather than simply passing a value judgment on them,” (Pocock, 2017)
When we opt to give helpful feedback to our child, they can gain a love of learning and find pride in their growth. Focusing on the honest effort they put into something, no matter the outcome, is key and encouraging the child to try again if they didn’t achieve their goal, is essential. Showing our child areas of improvement is important, along with being very specific about their areas of success. Using words that highlight their effort, such as “I can tell you spent extra time the details in this section of your drawing,” are ways to help children use feedback as a boost of confidence while also pointing out the areas where the effort might not have been exerted as much.
In a nutshell...
helpful feedback is the route to take to help your child gain desire to grow, learn and become their best selves. Using praise sparingly, and when it’s rightfully earned, can be a positive, but our overall focus on effort verses outcome will help our children gain essential life skills to improve their chances at adulthood success. Those who try hard and never give up, have the winning combination for higher success.
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