"It Really Doesn't Matter"

Hannah gets the exciting pleasure to go to the public school next week for 3 days for testing. In the state of Washington, they require the kids who are home schooled to get tested once a year. I think it's kind of silly but hey, when in Rome...

The lady from the school called me a few days ago to make sure Hannah was still planning on coming to the testing. I took the opportunity to chat with her about a few things that irk me about this whole "testing" thing.  My first issue is that Hannah won't be in a familiar environment for the testing (some random classroom filled with random kids and a teacher she doesn't know) and so I asked if she could do the testing online. The lady said that at this point it's not an option but the school district is working on it. I was ok with her answer though it didn't ease the small amount of anxiety I had about the environment issue.

The next issue was bigger in my mind, though I wasn't sure what response I was looking for... BUT, I'll tell you what, the response I got was NO WHERE NEAR what I had expected!!

So, my bigger issue...I have been homeschooling Hannah and mentoring her in the areas of her interests. If she wanted to learn about sharks, then we learned about sharks. If she wanted to learn about Black History, then it was Black History...the solar system, our Nation's history, etc., etc. I'm sure you get my point.

Now, in the area of Reading that's no big deal...reading is reading...comprehending is comprehending. And our Math, I assume is pretty much the same as what they are teaching at the public school but it may not be. It could very well vary a bit from the program she's been using...so only a slight issue.

My biggest issue is in the area of Science. The chances we are studying the same thing as the public school, aren't good. I worried that the testing would not only stress Hannah out (because she won't know the answers) but also that it will not be an accurate assessment of her progress this past year...

I know, I know, those of you who are doing  TJEd in your home are wondering why I'm even bothered by this and here's why...I know my daughter and she'll be nothing but hard on herself if she doesn't know the answers to the questions. I've spoken with her and she understands that she just needs to do her best but, again, I know her, and I know her "I've got to be perfect" personality...it's going to be a long couple weeks after that testing. The other reason (accurate assessment) was more to make a point...the testing is pretty much useless because it's not ACCURATE!!! Why are you making my daughter go through 3 days of testing when it isn't ACCURATE?!?!?  It's just a waste of tax payers money....

Anyway, back to the lady's response...

I went through my last concern with her and I about fell off my chair with her response...

"Ma'am, this testing doesn't mean anything. It doesn't go toward college admissions, it doesn't affect the child's grade (letter grade), it doesn't affect if the child passes their current grade or not. Kids come into the office worried about these tests because they think if they fail the test they won't go to the next grade, which is just not the case. The test really doesn't matter"... as she continued on, the impression I got was that the testing was to pretty much to make the government happy so the school can get funding.

REALLY?!?  Are you kidding me?!?

And I'm NOT joking!!

Obama's Baptism...

I saw this on Facebook and had to laugh!! Thought I'd share to give whoever reads my blog a smile :)

Maybe Someday I'll Figure It Out

Sometimes I just have to wonder what's going through Gabe's little head. And it seems like as soon as I figure him out, I realize I haven't.

Today, I had to get very upset with Gabe because he wasn't following the rules concerning his baby sisters. He tends to like to grab onto their arms, get into their faces, and roll on top of them. We have been trying to break him of those habits practically since the day they were born!!  But every day it's the same thing!! In fact, it can be just minutes between each of the offenses. I just can't imagine why he would do something that he was just told NOT to do...and that he's been told NOT to do for the past 20 months!!

So back to today. I had sent him to his room because he grabbing onto Emma's arms, which ended up twisting it and freaking me out because I don't want her to have another broken arm. I do want to state that I had told him less than two minutes prior to "let go of her arms!!" 

I brought Gabe down from his room so we could talk about why he had gotten into trouble. We were sitting on the couch having a deep conversation about how I HATE to have to get upset with him but when he chooses not to follow the rules I have to, etc. I was truly trying to attempt to get something to seep into his adorable little head. I kept thinking..."this time I think he gets it. I can see it in his eyes". I just knew that I had found the right words to get through to him...I could tell by the way he was answering the questions and the sincere look on his face. And I believed it when he said he was doing it just because he thought they were "just so cute!". I understood his temptation but I had to, once again (for the millionth time), explain to him why he can't.

Then, in mid-"I think I'm getting through to him" thought, I see the look on his face change, his eyes light up and I could tell that I lost him. I quickly looked around as I tried to figure out what was causing his retreat, but saw nothing. In a split second, I saw all my carefully chosen words go out the window! I moved my face into his line of vision and asked "what?" as his now excited body, slowly slid down to the floor. Still confused I waited for his answer...."a fort!"  Huh?!? A fort? What the heck was he talking about?!?  Then his little body began crawling under my legs that were propped up onto the coffee table.

His little boy mind had gone from "yes, I'm listening and learning" to "Wow!  Look at that fort that mom's legs are making" in a millisecond. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!

I attempted to reel him back in and insisted that he sat back onto the couch. I tried hard not to show the grin on my face but I was so shocked by what I had just witnessed it was hard to hide. I looked him straight in the eye and began once again to get his attention. I wasn't sure if anything was getting through so I thought I'd ask him a question to see if he was actually listening to me. What was his response?  "Wow! I can see myself in your eyes mom!!" Yes, that's right, he was looking me in the eyes but he wasn't listening to a single word I said...he was checking out his own reflection in my eyes!!

At that point I explained to him that he needed to concentrate on what I was saying because it was important...but all he was worried about was if I could see my reflection in his eyes.

Needless to say, our "please follow the rules" moment turned into an "aren't forts & reflections cool?" moment.  Not exactly what I was looking for...

Maybe someday I'll figure it out...sigh!

Doubting...and the Innocent Suffer

I've always been a very careful mother. I've always had rules & boundaries put into place to keep my children safe...when it comes to TV, computer, friends, safety, food, etc. Some may think I'm a little "over-the-top" with these rules but to me, they just felt right.

But lately I've been struggling with the thought that maybe those other individuals are right. Maybe I do need to chill out a bit and stop worrying about what "could" happen.  Maybe lightening up a little would be better for my children and easier on me. It would save me a lot of stress in my life not trying to uphold all the rules I've put into place.

Then, one day, I was speaking with a few of my friends and we were talking about the crazy things we used to do as kids. We then began saying that we'd kill our kids if they did those same things. But then one of my friends spoke up and said that she lets her kids do most things they ask but she tries so make sure it's done as safely as possible. She went into a story about letting her kids jump off the stairs into a huge pile of pillows and how much fun her kids had doing it. Someone then asked her if she was worried about injuries. She said she was but she didn't want to steal their childhood from them. (Nothing against her point-of-view because I feel each mother has the right to their own parenting style. The issue was about what I did after this conversation)

That conversation was all it took for me to really question my current stance on things. I began thinking how much fun it would be to jump off the stairs into a pile of pillows and how thrilled my kids would be if I let them do it!  I began thinking about all the fun things I did as a kid, including sliding down the stairs, head first, in a sleeping bag!! Seriously, some of the best fun I had with my friends!!

I know one reason I'm self-conscious about this topic is due to the fact that Greg and Hannah are always telling me I'm too intense & serious and that I need to "have some fun". And I have to admit, before having children & becoming a mom, I was A LOT more adventurous and anxious about trying out new things. I had always wanted to go sky diving and hang gliding and things such as that. I loved that rush that came from trying new and daring things.

I decided it was time to try to "lighten up" and let the kids be kids. I didn't want to "steal their childhood" from them. I made a conscious effort to lessen the amount of times I told them what could happen "if..." and just let them be; just let them have fun.

I'm sad to say that it was only a few weeks later, when tragedy struck and the thought instantly went through my mind..."This is all your fault!! You allowed this to happen because you let others convince you to change what you knew was right!! You gave into peer pressure and now look what happened!!!  You should NEVER have gone against your better judgement!! You should have stood your ground!!  You ought to be ashamed!!!"  :'(

Over and over these phrases and more rushed through my mind as my precious little baby lay screaming bloody murder in my arms, and I couldn't do one thing about it!!  If only I could have taken her place.  I would have done it in a heartbeat...but I couldn't! All I could do was sit and pray that the Lord would comfort Emma in her time of need and forgive me for my pride.  I think having to listen to her scream for 2 hours was my punishment for "joining the herd" and following everyone else. I truly am so ashamed.

Allow me to share the story...

It was January 16th, and I was at the stove finishing up dinner. I had my back to the couch so I didn't see that Emma had climbed on top of it.

But the truth is, I wouldn't have done anything, even if I had seen her. You see, this was one area I had "lightened up" on. I was constantly telling Emma and Ellie to get off the couch or to sit down on the couch because I was afraid they would fall off and hurt themselves. I know that I shouldn't have given up but it seemed like a never-ending battle to keep them off of it. Finally, I told myself that this is probably one of those areas that I could let go of and just let them be. Just let them have fun. Just let them crawl around on the couch.  Even though my mind would be freaking out..."What if she falls? What if she breaks her neck? etc. etc.", I wouldn't have said anything, for fear of "stealing their childhood" and causing them to be overly scared in normal situations. I would have just said a silent prayer in my heart.

Then I heard the thump, the gasp from Greg, and the horrific screams from Emma!!! The poor little thing had fallen off the couch, onto her left arm (she was attempting to catch herself), and the arm hyper-extended, which ended up causing a severe break to her humerus!

That bump is not her elbow, it's the bone that's poking out because it's in the wrong place...the completely opposite side
of the arm than it should be!!   :(

After a trip to the Urgent Care w/ x-rays and a trip to Auburn Medical Center w/ 3 attempts at IV's we finally made it to our "should have been" destination...Seattle Children's Hosptial.  They repeated the xrays, which was such a treat, but they did give her lots of pain medication.

She ended up actually completely severing the bone right by the elbow, and then must have landed on it, which twisted it 180 degrees. As you can see, the xray shows it too clearly and it made me cringe when I saw it.

In this xray, you can see the bone that broke off. The part poking out on the right, is actually suppose to be
on the left side of the arm.  Pretty gross, huh?!?

Here's the xray of the pins they put in to make sure it heals correctly.  Ouch!!

Here are some more pics of Emma's accident...

A little blurry, but here's little Emma riding in the ambulance. She was so brave!
She didn't cry once!!

I think this pic kind of shows the type of day she had been through. Her little eyes are so puffy from crying. As you can see, they did put a brace on it so she'd be more comfortable until she got her surgery.

Here's Emma about to go into surgery. This is the pic I took to send to Greg to let him know his little princess
was about to go into surgery.

This is just a typical Emma pose. I had to capture it for Greg. She's so funny...she always has to have one of her legs up on something.  It made me smile to see her like this and to know that she'd be better soon!  Moments after this pic, they rolled her away into surgery.  Up until this point I was doing Ok. But then I realized I didn't have anyone to give me a big hug and tell me it was going to be alright. My phone was just about to die, so I couldn't call anyone either. So instead, I went to the cafeteria and got some food. I sat at my table, all alone, crying into my Chinese noodle salad. Good thing the surgery went well and only took about 45mins. I'm not sure I could have handled much longer!

My adorable Emma after surgery. I walked around the gift shop looking for a special stuffed toy. When I saw this "little lamb", I HAD to get it. One of Emma's nick-names is "Little Lamb". I was so so happy to find that "perfect" gift to give her. It became her best friend for the remainder of our stay in the hospital.

Perfect Timing!!!  Of course, Emma had to hurt herself during the BIG Snow/Ice storm that hit Seattle. In this pic, the storm had just hit us. Let's just say, it made for a long drive home, when it came time to go.

Here's little Ellie trying to be the best big sister and helping her injured twinner out. She really missed having Emma around...especially at bedtime.

Well, I suppose what I'm getting at with this post, is that I'm so bummed that I second-guessed my mother's intuition. I knew what was best for my children and I allowed other's points-of-view to alter mine. 

Sadly, due to my inability to believe in myself and due to my pride, my dear little Emma had to suffer with severe pain...so not fair!! I deserved to be the one in pain...and instead, the innocent suffered!!  I can never make this up to Emma, but I'll tell you what, I have learned a valuable lesson...I'll never allow someone else to make me question the rules I have in place for my greatest assets...my precious children!

<3

Satan's New Tool?

Here I am again, trying to figure out what is important and what isn't. I feel like it's a constant battle in my life! I find that when I see the choices other people make, it makes me want to reconsider the choices I'm making in my life currently.

As I sit and "watch" people in their lives via blogs & Facebook, I begin to wonder...how is Satan trying to sneak into strong LDS homes?  I mean, he has to find loopholes...ways that we, as mothers, can justify leaving the home or bringing things into the home. He has to be "stealth-like" because if he's not, we'll slam the door in his face.

I'm sad to say, that I seem to be seeing a pattern lately. I can see one of those loopholes and I've had the same temptation as these other ladies.  I'm so glad that I took a step back and thought about things before jumping in because I am seeing the situation clearer every day. I see the changes in these other ladies lives. I see the change in their role in the family. I see the change with their children.   And to tell you the truth, I'm shocked. Not so much by what is going on (because Satan is tricky) but by who is falling for it.

In grand "Satan Tradition", he's using a tool that many LDS women use in wonderful, eternal ways and he's turning into something that will, in time, weaken the family in which it's being used incorrectly in. It makes me so sad to watch it...because it's so easy to see from the outside.

I'm not going to go into what the "tool" is because, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure who reads my blog and I'm not into offending people, nor into causing contention.

But if you stop and look and pay attention to what many LDS women are doing/changing in their lives, I believe you will see it too!! Satan is so clever!! So, so clever!!  Something so innocent, so useful, so wonderful and he's found a way to twist & turn it so that it no longer is those things, while the mother using the "tool" still justifies that it is.

I wonder how far this will go because I just keep seeing it growing and growing!!  It's made me reevaluate my situation and refocus my future endeavors...so I guess in that way, it's been useful to me! 

<3

Casting Crowns...One of my FAVORITE singing groups...EVER!!!!

I love the group Casting Crowns. It's so amazing to me that they can express my feelings in their songs, in a way I never thought someone could. Their latest song "While You Were Sleeping" is another amazing song!  The 3rd verse just rips my heart out..."as we're sung to sleep by philosophies that save the trees and kill the children..."

Ain't that the truth!! The sad sad truth!!  :'( 

Just wanted to share this wonderful song so it can hopefully touch your heart the way it touches mine...and may we, as a nation, not be "sleeping" when He returns!

I'll post a video link & the lyrics below.  Please listen and enjoy!!  Let me know what you think!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rqhG2yT-58


"While You Were Sleeping" by Casting Crowns

Oh little town of Bethlehem
Looks like another silent night
Above your deep and dreamless sleep
A giant star lights up the sky
And while you're lying in the dark
There shines an everlasting light
For the King has left His throne
And is sleeping in a manger tonight

Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
For God became a man
And stepped into your world today
Oh Bethlehem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping
While you were sleeping

Oh little town of Jerusalem
Looks like another silent night
The Father gave His only Son
The Way, the Truth, the Life had come
But there was no room for Him in the world He came to save

Jerusalem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
The Savior of the world is dying on your cross today
Jerusalem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping
While you were sleeping

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
And while we're lying in the dark
There's a shout heard 'cross the eastern sky
For the Bridegroom has returned
And has carried His bride away in the night

America, what will we miss while we are sleeping
Will Jesus come again
And leave us slumbering where we lay
America, will we go down in history
As a nation with no room for its King
Will we be sleeping
Will we be sleeping

United States of America
Looks like another silent night

<3

What is Friendship?

It's interesting how even at the old age of 38yrs, I'm still learning about this world around me. I'm still learning about people and how they function. Sometimes the knowledge I gain is wonderful and uplifting, and other times it's just not.

Recently, I've come to an understanding about friendships. Some friendships are meant to be forever...meant to be eternal. I wouldn't be surprised if some friendships we have now began in the pre-existence, where we bonded together, hoping we'd see each other again in our Father's presence.

Then there are other type of friendships. In looking back on life, staring with my childhood, I am beginning to see sometimes friendships are just convenient. Sometimes friendships are beneficial to one side or the other. And sometimes friendships just don't seem worth fighting for, which is hard when you might be the one on the other side of that friendship.

There are several situations that I've experienced where, now looking back, I wonder why I "endured" it. Why did I allow the supposed "friendship" to last as long as it did?  I don't have an answer...at least not right now. But I feel I've wasted a lot of time in several of these type of friendships.

A lot of my high school friendships were definitely only skin deep. Nothing that lasted too long because, let's face it, at that age there's too much selfishness. It's hard to stop and think about the other person in the friendship and what would be best for them. Many of my so-called friends from high school are my "facebook" friends but it's the same type of friendship. They don't know much about my family and I, what I'm going through, what good/bad things are happening in my life...unless I post them.

The other day I began thinking...if I stopped posting things about my life on Facebook, who would know what's really going on in my life? Who? Definitely not the "only skin deep" friends, possibly my "this is convenient" friends, BUT you better believe my "eternal" friends would know. Because they have invested enough time & energy into our friendship and they truly care about me, they truly care about what's going on in my life.

Friendship takes time, energy, desire, forgiveness, love, understanding, and most of all, unselfishness. I'm beginning to see that things such as Facebook, texting, email, even blogs like this, are only causing more "convenient" friends and separating us from one another.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this new found knowledge and this new understanding. I'm hoping it'll help me recognize the "convenient" friendships vs. the "eternal" friendships so that I can focus my attention where it needs to be...the eternities!