A Complete & Utter Mess!!

It's been a rough couple of days for me...really rough. I'm such an emotional person as is, but add a pregnancy into the mix and I'm a complete mess. Having to send Shailee back to her home was such a difficult decision and to tell you the truth, I'm still not 100% sure it was the right one. My heart tells me it was but my head is telling me otherwise. I really wish Greg and I would have been able to get through to her. She is such a special young woman and I want only the best for her but I fear she doesn't see herself the same way. From this point on, all we can do is pray and fast for her and her family. They tend to not get along well when Shailee's around because she's so difficult sometimes. I suppose if she got anything...any little, microscopic thing...out of living with us, then it was definitely all worth it but I'm not sure that she did. I love her so much and it just breaks my heart that I couldn't reach her. I feel like I failed...miserably. Then I start 2nd guessing how I'm parenting my kids and if I'm failing them as well. I'm just a mess right now!

During these past few days I've realized that I CANNOT breath when I'm crying...I feel like I'm having a huge asthma attack or something. It's somewhat scary. I think it's to do with being pregnant...maybe my lungs are getting squished or something. Yesterday, Greg came home...after I had texted him many times telling him I needed him home because I was gonna lose it...and found me curled up on the couch, covered by Hannah's special blanket & her "teddy bear pumpkin" laying next to me. My eyes were swollen and I was still whimpering. I had had an AWFUL day with Gabe. He was in rare form and with me being pregnant, I was limited on how I could deal with him. It made for a very bad combination. Anyway, at one point I just lost it. Hannah was in the other room and came in to help her mommy. I couldn't talk to her because I couldn't breath...I couldn't breath because I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop crying because I had finally had a breakdown...it was coming out whether I wanted it to or not! Between the stress of Shailee's departure and the stress of Gabe, I just couldn't hold it together anymore...I began to weep uncontrollably. Hannah sat by me and rubbed my back, stroked my hair, brought me Kleenex, and repeatedly asked what she could do for me. The poor little thing was beside herself because she had no clue what to do. I was, as I've said before, a COMPLETE & UTTER mess!!! After what seemed like an hour, I was finally able to slow my wailing to a whimper, catch my breath and lie down. That's when Hannah went and got her favorite things and used them to comfort me..her blanket & teddy bear. What a special act of kindness on her part! I love her so much!! She's such an amazing little girl...such a great example to me! She sat on the couch with me until Greg got home. She was like my little guardian angel, making sure I was ok. It was so precious! How blessed am I that my little girl still loves me even though I fail repeatedly when it comes to parenting her. I've vowed from the beginning to do my best...I can only hope it's good enough. Because my kids deserve the best!!!