...Even if You Stand Alone

Last Friday Hannah had a birthday party to go to. It was for one of her closest friends, which also happens to be in our ward.  She was so excited about it because it was going to be 6 hrs long!!

The party started out awesome...she went bowling, ate pizza & fries, and played field games with all the rest of the kids. The final thing on the agenda for the party was to watch a movie.

I realize that my standards aren't everyone else's standards and I often find myself being the "odd one out" because I have such firm, conservative boundaries when it comes to my children and the home I create for them. I am very picky when it comes to what media sources come into my home and the amount of time the kids are allowed to use them. It's just who I am and the way I feel most comfortable parenting my kids. Sometimes, though, I forget everyone doesn't view things the way I do.

A few months ago I went on a "girls night out" with some friends. We went to dinner and then a movie. The movie was considered a "family movie" and I was actually really excited to see if because it looked cute and it was PG! 

Well, it turned out to be a major disappointment...not "story line" wise, because it was a really cute movie, but when it came to the language, I was SO surprised!! They had a little girl (about 5) swearing in it!  I was like...What?!?  Why would they add that in there? This is suppose to be a family movie!!

The cussing was completely irrelevant...it wasn't like it was war scene with lots of stress & action, you know?  It was completely unnecessary!  It just broke my heart because I had hoped to see the movie again as a "family night out"...but there's no way I'd take my kids to that movie knowing, first of all, the swearing, and secondly, it was marketed to kids (totally against my principles).

So, I'm assuming you've already figured out that it was that same movie that was being shown at the party.

I get a text from Hannah telling me that was the movie they were going to watch and she wanted to know if it was ok for her to watch it. She knew what I thought of the movie because she had heard me complain about it for several days after I had seen it.

This is where I failed as a mom, and this is why I'm writing this post...

I knew in my heart that I didn't want her to see it. I knew in my heart that it wasn't appropriate. I knew I needed to tell her not to but I also knew it should be her choice...she's almost 12 now.

I went to text back and felt the "Am I too strict?" doubts creeping into my head. I really wanted her to enjoy herself and I knew she would feel really uncomfortable/embarrassed if I made her leave early. I had a feeling that she'd make the right choice so I simply said something like..."That's ok. It has cussing in it though. What do you think?"

As soon as I hit send, I knew I had worded it wrong. I knew as soon as she read the words "That's ok" she would feel I was giving her the green light, and she did. She chose to stay.

I felt really uncomfortable the rest of the evening. And I kept hoping my memory wasn't 100% accurate and that maybe there weren't as many as I thought there had been.  When I picked her up, we spoke a little on the subject and I could tell that she had an issue with the swearing but as I did, she thought it was cute anyway.

When we got home, I heard her telling Greg..."It had some cussing in it but it was still really cute!"

Those words were like knives to my heart!! I had just taught my amazing daughter to justify watching a movie with swearing in it because it was cute.  I'M SUCH A MAJOR LOSER!!!

I spoke with Greg after the kids were in bed and he seemed disturbed by it to. But I explained to him that I had began my texting to her with "That's ok". I TOLD HER IT WAS OK TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH SWEARING IN IT!!  What was I thinking?!?!?  We then spoke about how we needed to talk with her and somehow undo that justification because we both knew we couldn't let this get by us. Even though I began the problem (Hannah knew she shouldn't watch the movie or else she wouldn't have texted me) we both knew we had to try and fix it.

This morning I was reading from the Ensign. I had gotten to the back where the talks to the Young Women are. Since I'm now in the YW Presidency, I thought it would be a good idea to quickly read over them. I began with the talk by Sis Dibb  "Arise and Shine Forth".

After reading it, I knew exactly what to do. During our breakfast I brought up the subject. I asked Hannah how she felt about watching that movie. Those dreaded words again..."It had some swearing but it was still really cute." I wanted to cry!

I then went into my apology and told her I hadn't been a good example. I hadn't showed her the right path. I was too busy worrying about her "having fun" and "fitting in" and my own insecurities to stand up for what I knew was right. I also explained that I didn't want to offend the other mother, because I think she's awesome and I didn't want her to think I was judging her.

I told her I was so sorry and that I had made the wrong choice when wording her text ("That's ok").  I explained that I should have told her how I felt about the movie and then just let her choose.

This is when the dagger was shoved deeper into my heart.

Hannah's reply..."yea, I was really surprised when you told me it was ok because I knew it has swearing in it." I felt like a TOTAL loser!!  She would now see me differently, even though I was trying to fix my mistake.

I again apologized. 

Hannah then said that she knew she shouldn't have watch the movie, even after I told her it was OK, but the thought of being the only one to leave (and the fact the the two other Mormon girls weren't) made her really uncomfortable. I told her I understood but we both should have stood up for what we know is right.

Then a quote from the talk I had just read came into my mind. I ran over and began reading it to Hannah.  I got all choked up because once again, the shame was rising within me.

The quote read...

"My young friends, be strong...You know what is right and what is wrong, and no disguise, however appealing, can change that....If your so-called friends urge you to do anything you know to be wrong, you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone."

..."you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone"...those words rang out with truth and I explained to Hannah that we both failed to do that. We were both worried about what others thought of us and we can't let it happen again.  Hannah agreed with me and we both shed a few tears over our learning experience.

It's times like these that make me grateful for the Ensign, for the words of the Prophet, and for our Savior's forgiveness.

I can only hope that my bad example doesn't end up hurting Hannah in the long run. She's never been one to bend with the wind...and I had given her the "go ahead" to do so. I hope she realizes that I was wrong and should NEVER have handled that situation the way I did.

I think I am going to make a plaque to hang on my wall with those words...

"Be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone!"

"I Don't Know"

This is for all you moms out there that have said..."What the HECK were you thinking?!?!"

As I begin this story, you may think to yourselves..."I know what's gonna happen" BUT I wouldn't be so sure. As this unfolded, I continued to be in awe of the situation and, at times, decided to laugh so that I wouldn't cry!

About two weeks ago...(I'm listening from my room as I'm folding clothes)

Hannah: "Gabe, why does your room stink?"
Gabe:  No reply
Hannah: "Gabe! Did you fart or something? It stinks!!  Did you just go poop?"
Gabe: quietly..."yes"

Hannah then walks into the bathroom...

Hannah: "Oh my GOSH!!!  It stinks so bad in here Gabe! You need to use the fan from now on!"
Gabe: quietly "ok"

Hannah then turns on the fan and comes into my room and retells the story that I just listened to. She kept going on and on about how bad it smelled and she couldn't believe that Gabe made it stink so bad. I didn't think much of it and we all continued getting ready for bed.

The next day I was walking down the hall towards Gabe's bedroom. When I got near the bathroom, I quickly stepped in and turned off the fan. It had been on ALL night!  Note to self: give lecture to the kids about them paying for the electricity themselves if they don't start turning things off.

Later in the day I walk by the bathroom...and I smell an odor. I quickly go in and glance around, check the toilet, etc, trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. I was in a hurry so I just turned on the fan and decided I'd figure it out later.  Note to self: cancel the above stated lecture.

That night...

Hannah: "Mom, it really stinks in the hall and bathroom. Do you want me to turn on the fan again?"
Me: "I turned it back on earlier. Did you shut it off?"
Hannah:  "yea...I didn't stink anymore but now it does."
Me: I think to myself what a good choice it was to cancel the lecture..."Me too. I shut it off this morning but had to turn it on after lunch."  Hmmmmm....

So, this is where the drama begins. The little details are a little blurry because when I get to the point of "losing it", my memory seems to not work as well, so this may not be 100% accurate but close enough...

Hannah then goes to question Gabe again and she realizes that his room still stinks as well. He had slept in her room the night before or else I probably would have noticed. Within a minute, she comes back into my bathroom with her mouth wide open from disbelief...I knew I didn't want to hear...

Hannah: "Mom!!  Gabe pooped in his closet!!  He POOPED in his closet!!!"
Me: "WHAT?!?  GABE!!!  Get in here NOW!!!"

Gabe then enters slowly but doesn't seem to disturbed by the whole thing.

Me: "Gabe, why did you POOP in your CLOSET?!?"
Gabe: "I don't know."
Me: "What do you mean...you 'don't know'?"
Gabe: "I don't know."

I then proceed to go over the long list of consequences that he will now have...as Hannah is still trying to figure the whole thing out.

Hannah: "If you pooped in your closet, why does it stink in the bathroom?"
Gabe: "I don't know."  He looks guilty...
Me: "Gabe, what did you do with the poop? Did you flush it down the toilet?"
Gabe: ...looks as if he's pleading the 5th...

Hannah then leaves to go figure out the stinky mystery as I continue on with the now longer list of consequences. Then she returns...

Hannah: "Well...I figured out why it stinks in the bathroom. Gabe put his poop in the garbage."

Hannah was almost laughing because it was just so unbelievable but I lost it...

Me: "GABE!!! You put your poop in the GARBAGE?!?!" Why, Gabe, WHY?!?!  Why would you put your poop in the garbage?!?!"
Gabe: "I don't know."
Me: "How can you NOT know why you pooped in your closet and then threw it away in the bathroom garbage?!?"
Gabe: "I don't know...I was just being lazy?"

At that point, he had to get out of that room before I did something I would regret. I told him that I wasn't going to clean it up because I wanted him to SMELL IT ALL NIGHT LONG!!! I knew that would probably be the worst consequence I could come up with because, ironically enough, he hates to be dirty and he's not a fan of germs...he's always washing his hands, etc. 

When he heard he'd have to sleep in the stinky room, he just fell apart and I felt MUCH better...as bad as that sounds. That night I tried to think of why he would do such a random thing. I began wondering if he had been asleep and was sleepwalking or something?  Or maybe I had him in timeout and he didn't think he could leave his room?

The next morning, I sat down with Gabe to hopefully get answers...

Me: "Gabe, have you figured out why you pooped in the closet?"
Gabe: "no"
Me: "You really have no idea why you did that?"
Gabe: shakes his head
Me: "Were you asleep? Could you not find the bathroom?"
Gabe: "No, I was getting into my pajamas and I guess I just didn't want to hold it so I just pooped in the closet."
Me: "Gabe!! Why didn't you just go to the bathroom? It's right outside your door!"
Gabe: "I don't know."

By this point I knew there was no use continuing on with the questioning because he "didn't know" and if he did, he wasn't about to tell me. I took him upstairs so that he could clean up the mess in his closet (part of his punishment-I knew he'd hate it). As I looked inside his closet, I noticed that there were yellow marks as well...

Me: "Gabe.............(I didn't even want to ask)..................did you pee in the closet too?"
Gabe: "yea"
Me: "What the HECK were you thinking Gabe?!?!?  What is wrong with you??!!!??"
Gabe: "I don't know."



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............the joys of being a mother!!  :)

If It's Not Broken...

Just a quick post to say how much I am NOT thrilled about how Blogger is now set up. I can't seem to find much of anything!  If it's not broken...please...don't fix it!!  I just don't have the time to figure it out!

"It Really Doesn't Matter"

Hannah gets the exciting pleasure to go to the public school next week for 3 days for testing. In the state of Washington, they require the kids who are home schooled to get tested once a year. I think it's kind of silly but hey, when in Rome...

The lady from the school called me a few days ago to make sure Hannah was still planning on coming to the testing. I took the opportunity to chat with her about a few things that irk me about this whole "testing" thing.  My first issue is that Hannah won't be in a familiar environment for the testing (some random classroom filled with random kids and a teacher she doesn't know) and so I asked if she could do the testing online. The lady said that at this point it's not an option but the school district is working on it. I was ok with her answer though it didn't ease the small amount of anxiety I had about the environment issue.

The next issue was bigger in my mind, though I wasn't sure what response I was looking for... BUT, I'll tell you what, the response I got was NO WHERE NEAR what I had expected!!

So, my bigger issue...I have been homeschooling Hannah and mentoring her in the areas of her interests. If she wanted to learn about sharks, then we learned about sharks. If she wanted to learn about Black History, then it was Black History...the solar system, our Nation's history, etc., etc. I'm sure you get my point.

Now, in the area of Reading that's no big deal...reading is reading...comprehending is comprehending. And our Math, I assume is pretty much the same as what they are teaching at the public school but it may not be. It could very well vary a bit from the program she's been using...so only a slight issue.

My biggest issue is in the area of Science. The chances we are studying the same thing as the public school, aren't good. I worried that the testing would not only stress Hannah out (because she won't know the answers) but also that it will not be an accurate assessment of her progress this past year...

I know, I know, those of you who are doing  TJEd in your home are wondering why I'm even bothered by this and here's why...I know my daughter and she'll be nothing but hard on herself if she doesn't know the answers to the questions. I've spoken with her and she understands that she just needs to do her best but, again, I know her, and I know her "I've got to be perfect" personality...it's going to be a long couple weeks after that testing. The other reason (accurate assessment) was more to make a point...the testing is pretty much useless because it's not ACCURATE!!! Why are you making my daughter go through 3 days of testing when it isn't ACCURATE?!?!?  It's just a waste of tax payers money....

Anyway, back to the lady's response...

I went through my last concern with her and I about fell off my chair with her response...

"Ma'am, this testing doesn't mean anything. It doesn't go toward college admissions, it doesn't affect the child's grade (letter grade), it doesn't affect if the child passes their current grade or not. Kids come into the office worried about these tests because they think if they fail the test they won't go to the next grade, which is just not the case. The test really doesn't matter"... as she continued on, the impression I got was that the testing was to pretty much to make the government happy so the school can get funding.

REALLY?!?  Are you kidding me?!?

And I'm NOT joking!!

Obama's Baptism...

I saw this on Facebook and had to laugh!! Thought I'd share to give whoever reads my blog a smile :)

Maybe Someday I'll Figure It Out

Sometimes I just have to wonder what's going through Gabe's little head. And it seems like as soon as I figure him out, I realize I haven't.

Today, I had to get very upset with Gabe because he wasn't following the rules concerning his baby sisters. He tends to like to grab onto their arms, get into their faces, and roll on top of them. We have been trying to break him of those habits practically since the day they were born!!  But every day it's the same thing!! In fact, it can be just minutes between each of the offenses. I just can't imagine why he would do something that he was just told NOT to do...and that he's been told NOT to do for the past 20 months!!

So back to today. I had sent him to his room because he grabbing onto Emma's arms, which ended up twisting it and freaking me out because I don't want her to have another broken arm. I do want to state that I had told him less than two minutes prior to "let go of her arms!!" 

I brought Gabe down from his room so we could talk about why he had gotten into trouble. We were sitting on the couch having a deep conversation about how I HATE to have to get upset with him but when he chooses not to follow the rules I have to, etc. I was truly trying to attempt to get something to seep into his adorable little head. I kept thinking..."this time I think he gets it. I can see it in his eyes". I just knew that I had found the right words to get through to him...I could tell by the way he was answering the questions and the sincere look on his face. And I believed it when he said he was doing it just because he thought they were "just so cute!". I understood his temptation but I had to, once again (for the millionth time), explain to him why he can't.

Then, in mid-"I think I'm getting through to him" thought, I see the look on his face change, his eyes light up and I could tell that I lost him. I quickly looked around as I tried to figure out what was causing his retreat, but saw nothing. In a split second, I saw all my carefully chosen words go out the window! I moved my face into his line of vision and asked "what?" as his now excited body, slowly slid down to the floor. Still confused I waited for his answer...."a fort!"  Huh?!? A fort? What the heck was he talking about?!?  Then his little body began crawling under my legs that were propped up onto the coffee table.

His little boy mind had gone from "yes, I'm listening and learning" to "Wow!  Look at that fort that mom's legs are making" in a millisecond. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!

I attempted to reel him back in and insisted that he sat back onto the couch. I tried hard not to show the grin on my face but I was so shocked by what I had just witnessed it was hard to hide. I looked him straight in the eye and began once again to get his attention. I wasn't sure if anything was getting through so I thought I'd ask him a question to see if he was actually listening to me. What was his response?  "Wow! I can see myself in your eyes mom!!" Yes, that's right, he was looking me in the eyes but he wasn't listening to a single word I said...he was checking out his own reflection in my eyes!!

At that point I explained to him that he needed to concentrate on what I was saying because it was important...but all he was worried about was if I could see my reflection in his eyes.

Needless to say, our "please follow the rules" moment turned into an "aren't forts & reflections cool?" moment.  Not exactly what I was looking for...

Maybe someday I'll figure it out...sigh!

Doubting...and the Innocent Suffer

I've always been a very careful mother. I've always had rules & boundaries put into place to keep my children safe...when it comes to TV, computer, friends, safety, food, etc. Some may think I'm a little "over-the-top" with these rules but to me, they just felt right.

But lately I've been struggling with the thought that maybe those other individuals are right. Maybe I do need to chill out a bit and stop worrying about what "could" happen.  Maybe lightening up a little would be better for my children and easier on me. It would save me a lot of stress in my life not trying to uphold all the rules I've put into place.

Then, one day, I was speaking with a few of my friends and we were talking about the crazy things we used to do as kids. We then began saying that we'd kill our kids if they did those same things. But then one of my friends spoke up and said that she lets her kids do most things they ask but she tries so make sure it's done as safely as possible. She went into a story about letting her kids jump off the stairs into a huge pile of pillows and how much fun her kids had doing it. Someone then asked her if she was worried about injuries. She said she was but she didn't want to steal their childhood from them. (Nothing against her point-of-view because I feel each mother has the right to their own parenting style. The issue was about what I did after this conversation)

That conversation was all it took for me to really question my current stance on things. I began thinking how much fun it would be to jump off the stairs into a pile of pillows and how thrilled my kids would be if I let them do it!  I began thinking about all the fun things I did as a kid, including sliding down the stairs, head first, in a sleeping bag!! Seriously, some of the best fun I had with my friends!!

I know one reason I'm self-conscious about this topic is due to the fact that Greg and Hannah are always telling me I'm too intense & serious and that I need to "have some fun". And I have to admit, before having children & becoming a mom, I was A LOT more adventurous and anxious about trying out new things. I had always wanted to go sky diving and hang gliding and things such as that. I loved that rush that came from trying new and daring things.

I decided it was time to try to "lighten up" and let the kids be kids. I didn't want to "steal their childhood" from them. I made a conscious effort to lessen the amount of times I told them what could happen "if..." and just let them be; just let them have fun.

I'm sad to say that it was only a few weeks later, when tragedy struck and the thought instantly went through my mind..."This is all your fault!! You allowed this to happen because you let others convince you to change what you knew was right!! You gave into peer pressure and now look what happened!!!  You should NEVER have gone against your better judgement!! You should have stood your ground!!  You ought to be ashamed!!!"  :'(

Over and over these phrases and more rushed through my mind as my precious little baby lay screaming bloody murder in my arms, and I couldn't do one thing about it!!  If only I could have taken her place.  I would have done it in a heartbeat...but I couldn't! All I could do was sit and pray that the Lord would comfort Emma in her time of need and forgive me for my pride.  I think having to listen to her scream for 2 hours was my punishment for "joining the herd" and following everyone else. I truly am so ashamed.

Allow me to share the story...

It was January 16th, and I was at the stove finishing up dinner. I had my back to the couch so I didn't see that Emma had climbed on top of it.

But the truth is, I wouldn't have done anything, even if I had seen her. You see, this was one area I had "lightened up" on. I was constantly telling Emma and Ellie to get off the couch or to sit down on the couch because I was afraid they would fall off and hurt themselves. I know that I shouldn't have given up but it seemed like a never-ending battle to keep them off of it. Finally, I told myself that this is probably one of those areas that I could let go of and just let them be. Just let them have fun. Just let them crawl around on the couch.  Even though my mind would be freaking out..."What if she falls? What if she breaks her neck? etc. etc.", I wouldn't have said anything, for fear of "stealing their childhood" and causing them to be overly scared in normal situations. I would have just said a silent prayer in my heart.

Then I heard the thump, the gasp from Greg, and the horrific screams from Emma!!! The poor little thing had fallen off the couch, onto her left arm (she was attempting to catch herself), and the arm hyper-extended, which ended up causing a severe break to her humerus!

That bump is not her elbow, it's the bone that's poking out because it's in the wrong place...the completely opposite side
of the arm than it should be!!   :(

After a trip to the Urgent Care w/ x-rays and a trip to Auburn Medical Center w/ 3 attempts at IV's we finally made it to our "should have been" destination...Seattle Children's Hosptial.  They repeated the xrays, which was such a treat, but they did give her lots of pain medication.

She ended up actually completely severing the bone right by the elbow, and then must have landed on it, which twisted it 180 degrees. As you can see, the xray shows it too clearly and it made me cringe when I saw it.

In this xray, you can see the bone that broke off. The part poking out on the right, is actually suppose to be
on the left side of the arm.  Pretty gross, huh?!?

Here's the xray of the pins they put in to make sure it heals correctly.  Ouch!!

Here are some more pics of Emma's accident...

A little blurry, but here's little Emma riding in the ambulance. She was so brave!
She didn't cry once!!

I think this pic kind of shows the type of day she had been through. Her little eyes are so puffy from crying. As you can see, they did put a brace on it so she'd be more comfortable until she got her surgery.

Here's Emma about to go into surgery. This is the pic I took to send to Greg to let him know his little princess
was about to go into surgery.

This is just a typical Emma pose. I had to capture it for Greg. She's so funny...she always has to have one of her legs up on something.  It made me smile to see her like this and to know that she'd be better soon!  Moments after this pic, they rolled her away into surgery.  Up until this point I was doing Ok. But then I realized I didn't have anyone to give me a big hug and tell me it was going to be alright. My phone was just about to die, so I couldn't call anyone either. So instead, I went to the cafeteria and got some food. I sat at my table, all alone, crying into my Chinese noodle salad. Good thing the surgery went well and only took about 45mins. I'm not sure I could have handled much longer!

My adorable Emma after surgery. I walked around the gift shop looking for a special stuffed toy. When I saw this "little lamb", I HAD to get it. One of Emma's nick-names is "Little Lamb". I was so so happy to find that "perfect" gift to give her. It became her best friend for the remainder of our stay in the hospital.

Perfect Timing!!!  Of course, Emma had to hurt herself during the BIG Snow/Ice storm that hit Seattle. In this pic, the storm had just hit us. Let's just say, it made for a long drive home, when it came time to go.

Here's little Ellie trying to be the best big sister and helping her injured twinner out. She really missed having Emma around...especially at bedtime.

Well, I suppose what I'm getting at with this post, is that I'm so bummed that I second-guessed my mother's intuition. I knew what was best for my children and I allowed other's points-of-view to alter mine. 

Sadly, due to my inability to believe in myself and due to my pride, my dear little Emma had to suffer with severe pain...so not fair!! I deserved to be the one in pain...and instead, the innocent suffered!!  I can never make this up to Emma, but I'll tell you what, I have learned a valuable lesson...I'll never allow someone else to make me question the rules I have in place for my greatest assets...my precious children!

<3