Increased Devices = Increased Depression

As parents, we’ve heard it so many times before: too much media is bad for our teenagers, but is that true? If so, is there a greater negative effect on our teenage daughters using social media platforms verses our teenage sons? And what about online gaming? Is there a negative effect to that type of online interaction? 

 

So many fingers are pointing to media sources as the cause of their teenager’s depression and suicidal thoughts. But is that accurate?

Though there are many studies that have tried to tackle this topic, most don’t uncover media use as a causation for teen depression and suicidal thoughts, but what’s important is the consistent correlation finding. More studies are needed to fine-tune the numbers, but knowing that there is a strong correlation between online media use and teenage boys and girls depression and suicidal thoughts, should be enough to make us, as parents, want to stop and pay attention to the data that’s being presented. 

 

As a mother of two children on the Autistic Spectrum, I know the difficulty that lies in trying to get a child off of a media source when they seem so much happier there, almost as if they’re in the type of world that makes them less stressed and more able to focus. I can see how media use can help kids on the spectrum, but I’m also aware that is can be hurtful as well. How do we, as parents, find that balance? And what about our kids who aren’t on the spectrum? Does online media use hurt them even more?

 

From my readings the answer lies within what type of online media source is being accessed, and which gender is accessing that certain type of media. For example, a teenage girl who likes to do online gaming will probably not have as much of a negative impact as that same teenage girl accessing an online social media app. Girls tend to be much more susceptible to the pressures to look a certain way, act a certain way, and talk a certain way. They have a deeper need and desire to “fit in” then most teenage boys, and teenage girls have higher requirements to achieve before they “fit in” than teenage boys do. Since online gaming is more of an attraction for teenage boys, they tend to have less of a correlation between their online media use and their depression/suicidal thoughts. This one difference is a major factor in why teenage girls struggle more with self-esteem than teenage boys. 

 

Allow me to discuss my favorite quotes from the article linked below:

 

“…suicidal thoughts [are] strongest among girls…[girls] are six times more likely than boys to report…symptoms of depression.” (Neighmond, 2017) 

If you are a parent of a teenage girl, the chances are they will struggle more with the pressures of online media sources than your teenage boys. Though boys may be less apt to share their struggles, we can see the pressures to fit into the ever-changing world of online media and social influencers becomes a challenge for many girls. One way to counter-act the pressures of the world outside our home is to limit our children’s access to it, and in my opinion, to offer self-esteem building moments as a family and within our home. The family is a tool the Lord created to help guide our children. Maybe do service projects together or sit down as a family and read good books next to the fireplace. Find way to connect outside of online media that will help your children feel loved, safe, needed and wanted. 

 

“…Hours spent in face-to-face activities – sports, parties, even just going to the mall with friends – seems to be protective,” (Neighmond, 2017).

Wow, look at us back in the day doing it right! We didn’t have social media. We didn’t have online apps and gaming. Our only option for interaction was over the phone, which was stuck to the wall with a 10” cord, or to actually get together face-to-face with our friends. Who knew that was a good tool to limit depression and suicidal thoughts. So… it’s back to the basics! We need to not only encourage our teenagers to gather together, but I believe we also need to give them a safe and inviting place to gather. Open our homes to the “I’m gonna eat you out of house and home” crowd and invite them in. Yes, that may mean you need to install security cameras in every room of your house, but it shows you care and it can lower the level of media pressures our children are bombarded with every day. 

 

“We are digital immigrants. We did not grow up with internet and cell phones… So there’s a real dilemma, in that we’re in charge of safeguarding our kids and teaching our kids how to be savvy digital users, and we don’t have all the skills. Many of us are afraid of the technology,” (Neighmond, 2017).

Sooo… we know the issue with online pressures. We have some ways to combat it (limiting online use) but how do we become the master protectors of a situation that we can barely grasp? A digital world we didn’t grow up in? There may not be a one-size fits all answer to that. But I can’t help but think three things:

 

Learn, learn, learn

Listen, listen, listen

Use, use, use

 

We need to be vigilant learners of the online world. We need to listen to our teenagers interacting with each other, like we’re undercover spies. We need to hop on and access the sites they access and play the games they play. Firsthand knowledge is far superior to receiving knowledge and advice from someone else. Find time to interact with your kids online. Sit down with your teenage son and have him teach you how to play his favorite game. Make fun videos with your girls so they can post them to their social media account with the caption “My dad’s such a dork”. Find way to infiltrate their online world, and create a safe, loving environment in their home. 

Increased Hours Online Correlate With An Uptick In Teen Depression, Suicidal Thoughts

More information on Devices & Depression

Too Much Praise May Lead to Higher Level of Narcissism In Children

How many times do we chose to say encouraging words to our kids so they'll believe us when we say how amazing we think they are? With a culture so full of comparisons and social pressures, we praise our kids so they love themselves, right? We don't want them to think negative thoughts about themselves, right? We NEED them to see themselves the way we see them? And surely we can't point out their faults because if we, as parents, see imperfections within our own children then how much more will they magnify those imperfections when viewing themselves? We can't do that to them, right? We can't be the source of their pain when we're meant to be the source of their pride. That would be unspeakable...

 

Unless...

 

Doing what we think is helpful to our children is actually VERY hurtful and could actually create within them narcissistic outlooks and entitlement issues. The name "Karen" comes to mind! And if that wasn't bad enough, too much unearned praise can actually lower a child's self-esteem and create a lack of trust in their parent.

 

I know what you're thinking...

 

Wait! What??  How does praising a child create a Karen and distrust? That doesn't make any sense!

 

Calm yourselves my dear, well-meaning parents. Take a deep breath and allow me to explain. 

 

It seems we’ve reached a point in our society where we can’t be honest about our children’s skills and limitations. This causes a negative snowball effect, where we decide to only comment about our children’s current strengths verses pointing out areas of their personality/choices that need strengthening and then, if that isn’t bad enough, we add on praising “strengths” that our child doesn’t even possess. These well-meaning actions cause a sense that the child’s world revolves around them, that they’re good at whatever they do, their beliefs are better than those around them, and that they should never be told anything negative because those words are hurtful. We are raising kids without resilience.

 

Allow me to quickly touch on a few of my favorite quote from the article in the links below.

 

 

“…Praise does not always bring about the outcome we hope it will” (Pocock, 2017)

The issue with too much praise and unearned praise is it can cause a fear of failure in the child. They can see their own weaknesses but fear that you don’t. That fear can actually stop them from trying new things because their weaknesses may be uncovered and their “proud” parents might be disappointed in them. Most kids look at schooling as the outcome, their grades. They don’t look at schooling as a process to learn, grow, and experience new things.

 

“…Many of us live in a society that values praise over engagement and end goals over process,” (Pocock, 2017).

As parents, do we put too much emphasis on our child’s grades, how many points they make, the number on the score card, to trophies lined up along our child’s wall? Do we value the learning process ourselves? How do we react if our child fails at something? Do we look at it like it’s a learning moment and a chance to have them try again? Or do we look at it as our child not reaching the level they’re expected to reach? When we focus too much on the goals and on the processes, which is where our focus should be, our children will feel they are going to school to “get high grades” verses going to school to learn. We need to help our children see that, first of all, the word “fail” is not a bad word. It’s a word that shows someone is trying to achieve something but didn’t make it. It shows a desire, a drive and a learning outlook. When we shy away from using that word or change its meaning, we are hindering not helping their self-esteem. The best way to help a child raise their self-esteem is to work hard at something that’s difficult to achieve. They may fail. They may fail again. But learning how to continue reaching for a goal and after hard work achieving it, is one of the best ways to increase our child’s self-esteem.

“Feedback is distinct from praise in that it engages with a child’s efforts rather than simply passing a value judgment on them,” (Pocock, 2017)

When we opt to give helpful feedback to our child, they can gain a love of learning and find pride in their growth. Focusing on the honest effort they put into something, no matter the outcome, is key and encouraging the child to try again if they didn’t achieve their goal, is essential. Showing our child areas of improvement is important, along with being very specific about their areas of success. Using words that highlight their effort, such as “I can tell you spent extra time the details in this section of your drawing,” are ways to help children use feedback as a boost of confidence while also pointing out the areas where the effort might not have been exerted as much. 

 

In a nutshell...

helpful feedback is the route to take to help your child gain desire to grow, learn and become their best selves. Using praise sparingly, and when it’s rightfully earned, can be a positive, but our overall focus on effort verses outcome will help our children gain essential life skills to improve their chances at adulthood success. Those who try hard and never give up, have the winning combination for higher success.

Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?

More Information on Praise & Narcissism 

The Still Face Experiment

Still Face Experiment by Dr Edward Tronick

 

Have you ever stopped to think about the importance of our expressions as parents to our children? Have you ever wondered if your expressions match up with what you feel on the inside, which could a good thing or a bad thing. Have you ever wondered if the messages your children receive by reading our facial expressions are accurate and reflect our inner feelings? 

 

I am here to say that I have considered this fact but not to the extent that I should.

 

Let’s discuss the Still Face Experiment. In a nutshell, they have a mom and toddler interact in a very normal way. The child loves their mother’s facial expressions and reacts approvingly by smiling and laughing. Their bond is almost tangible as the positive feelings both are having flood the screen. Then the mother is directed to simply stop interacting and reacting to their child for two minutes. The mother puts on a straight face and doesn’t react if the toddler laughs, smiles, points, etc. Within seconds, the child recognizes the change and they feel something is wrong. They begin doing the normal things to get a reaction from their mother, then quickly turn to screaming and tantruming as a way to regain their mother’s focus. The toddler seems confused, lost and unsure of how to react to the change in their mother. The mother is then allowed to interact as normal after the two minutes. With relief the toddler returns to their normal interactions and communication style with happy sounds and a smiling face.

 

 

This experiment helped me to see that my facial reactions and personal engagement are much more important than I would have initially assumed. As I stopped to think about the experiment I jotted this down:

 

“I need to control my facial expressions, interactions, and attention in those moments given to me by my children. I also need to make time to have those bonding moments, no matter if I feel they are too old. They need that connection. They need that interaction. They need to feel loved and special and important and of worth!”

 

These were raw feelings and ones I hope to continue to grasp onto. Being aware of my over-reaction and/or underreaction to my children will be my goal from this day forward.

 

Allow me to share my favorite quotes from the informational The Still Face video:

 

“Babies this young are extremely responsive to the emotions and the reactivity and the social interaction that they get from the world around them,” (Tronick, 2016).

This statement helps me to see that even when children are very young they are constantly watching us, learning from us, and have a desire to interact with us. They are true to their selves and do not overthink how they should react. They simply react the way they initially want to without stopping to consider how it might appear to others. That fact is what makes this experiment so authentic and believable. The toddlers have no preconceived notion on how they’re expected to perform. They simply do what they’re feeling, without any barriers.

 

“Then, we asked the mother to not respond to the baby. [Mother turns away from the baby and when she turns back her face is completely emotionless.] The baby very quickly picks up on this and then she uses all of her abilities to try and get the mother back,” (Tronick, 2016).

My heart sank when I listened to the narrator describe the moment as the child trying to get their mother back. I wondered how many times I’ve disengaged from my children due to my own personal struggles and if they could have felt like they lost me, like I wasn’t coming back. This knowledge inspires me to become a better mom. One who is engaged and one who stives to not allow my personal struggles to interfere with the important connection I need to foster with my children.

 

“It’s a little like the good, the bad, and the ugly. The good is that normal stuff that goes on that we all do with our kids. The bad is when something bad happens but the infant can overcome it. After all, when you stop the still face, the mother and the baby start to play again. The ugly is when you don’t give the child any chance to get back to the good, there’s no reparation, and they’re stuck in that really ugly situation,” (Tronick, 2016).

Concluding with the idea of the good, bad and ugly really caused me to understand how some children feel unloved and left behind by their parents. If they end up in an “ugly” situation, then they may feel completely abandoned and lost forever to their parent. I cannot let that happen with my children. I need them to know that I’m here, right beside them, for the long run, and that I’d walk to Hell and back for them.

 

~Celeste

 

 

The Straight Face Video

 

Additional information on The Straight Face experiment 

 

A Week w/out Facebook & Downton Abbey

Well, it's almost been a week since I began my Facebook Fridays. The first couple of days I went through a pretty intense detox but I'm happy to say that by now I'm doing fairly well. There have been a couple of moments when I wanted to hop on to make a quick post, but it's been great to realize that I haven't wanted to hop on to see what others are posting. So it appears that I'm addicted to posting, not reading other's posts...lol  :)

Now, to chat about my newest addiction....Downton Abbey!! One of my friends has loaned me the first season and I must say that I'm totally loving it!! In fact, last night I stayed up until 1am watching and I had to practically detach myself from the T.V. so I could go get some sleep.

Any Downton Abbey fans out there?!? (Spoilers below)

I'm only on season 2 so please don't share any "spoiler" news. Currently I'm completely rooting for Matthew and Mary. What's up with these two?!? Why can't they just express their real love and move on with things?!? AHHHH...the stress!! And now his injury at war?!? I'm just not sure I can handle all the suspense. I also adore Anna and Mr Bates, though I'm not sure I like them together. And I have some random fondness toward Mr. Crawly. I hope his character remains with some sort of creative story line.

Is it bad to say that I would have ABSOLUTELY LOVED to live at Downton Abbey?!? That is totally my cup of tea...pun intended...lol :)

Facebook Fridays

Well…hello again! :)

It's been a REALLY long time since I have posted on my blog. Life has been go-go-go since our move to Washington and the arrival of the twiners.

I have decided to institute "Facebook Fridays," which means that I will only be going onto Facebook on Fridays…pretty simple, right? Well for me it isn't that simple. I actually love to quickly hop on and off of Facebook multiple times a day. I bet the average time I spend on there per visit is under 5 minutes, so it doesn't actually take up too much time.

The issue is that I have some Facebook friends that REALLY irritate me. I don't care if they have a different view than I do, I don't even care if they forcefully share that view, but what I do care about is the way they react to my views if they differ from theirs. I also don't like it when my so-called "friends" share things just to be insensitive to me. Is that really a friend? I'm just not that type of person.

So anyhow, I'm still one that needs to release some pressure by sharing with the world what's going on in my household. My blog is once again the place that I'm going to try and do that exact thing. Will anyone read this? Probably not. Does that bother me? Maybe a little...but what's important is that I've got a place to vent and gloat and express and share, which is what's most important.

I'm hoping this will be an easy detox from Facebook, but I have a feeling that it's not going to be. Which means, there are probably going to be LOTS of random posts on here, just to get my mind off what I'm "missing" on Facebook.

Sheesh…I wish life wasn't so "plugged in" and yet, here I am doing the exact thing I wish wasn't so prevalent in our society. Go figure!

Impeachment?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0EfXnSFVfc

Offense by the "Un" invite?

I'm not sure how many people still read this since I never post BUT I thought I'd ask a question to those of you who have hung on :)

Is it mean to do a Ward Christmas party and not invite the kids? I mean, like an "adults only" Christmas dinner?!?

I have just been put in charge of our ward's and I'm clueless. All I know is that we have TONS of unwatched children in our ward and it would be SO MUCH BETTER if I didn't have to deal with having to contain them, or entertain them.

We have a big Halloween Trunk-or-treat each year...can't that be the "kid's celebration" and then Christmas can be the "adults celebration"?  I fear I'll offend half my ward if I uninvite the kiddos but just because it's always been a certain way, doesn't mean it's GOT to be done that way this time, right?

Anyway, Christmas always seems to be about the kids...not the adults. Maybe this time it should be about the adults?!?

I don't know the answer...hoping someone can give me some good advice  :)

An ARMY Birthday Party

Gabe's birthday was on May 11th and so was his "friend" birthday party. Of course, it HAD to be an "ARMY" party...any one who knows Gabe, understands that!

It was so much fun preparing for it!! I got some wonderful ideas off the Internet and then added a few of my own. I think it turned out wonderfully!  I'll let the pictures do the talking...

First I made the "Top Secret" invitations. Gabe dressed up in his fatigues and hand delivered them, with a salute, to each house.  The kids were given classified information about some "top secret missions" they were to perform. The first was to color "Uncle Sam" and bring him to the party.

I had so much fun trying to figure out how to make a "tank cake". The hardest part was trying to paint in it camouflage!  But I had a nifty tool that made it pretty simple. Just add some chocolate covered pretzels for the gun, some Oreos for the wheels and a few Army men, and you've got yourself a cake!

I had an idea that each recruit should get some sort of book that they could track their accomplishments in. I decided to make a page for each activity we were going to do. If they "completed the mission" they got a stamp in their book!

 Two of Gabe's friends couldn't attend the party so they delivered a gift earlier in the day. I loved how their mom,Jeni, came dressed up in her husband's Air Force gear (he's currently serving in Iraq, which we are all grateful for). Gabe thought it was wonderful and, of course, I had to take a picture!!

At one of the party stores nearby, there were tons of  "Camo decor" so our house was decked out...here are a few of the pics

When the kids arrived they had to check in at this secret location at "Fort Miller" to receive further instructions. They also received a helmet, dog tags, wrist bands, face paint, their missions book, a bucket to keep their prizes in and their first stamp, if they finished their first mission (bringing back Uncle Sam, pictured below).

After everyone was checked in, I took a picture of each of them with Gabe in front of the US flag. You can't have an Army party without honoring the nation we love so dearly!!  Each kid got a copy of their picture in Gabe's thank you card.

My handsome soldier, Gabriel!  :)

One of the games we played was to save the wounded soldiers. The kids had to wrap up their "soldier" with a roll of toilet paper and be the first team done to win. They had to use their entire roll.

Of course we had to have a pinata!  Gabe saw it at the party store and wanted it. I thought it was awesome that they had a "Tank" pinata so I had to get it. The only problem was, it was made like a military foot locker so in the end, I had to rip it open and pour the candy all over the scrambling kids.

Here's Gabe enjoying the food from the "mess hall". The Army Recruiting office gave us the water bottles...one for each kid, along with Tshirts, wristbands, pens, key chains, and pencils.  I went in to the recruiting office just looking for some posters to decorate with and came out with a couple of huge bags full of stuff!  It was AWESOME!!  And they loved Gabe's authentic uniform.

All in all, it was a great evening. The kids seemed to have a great time yelling "Yes Sir!"

and saluting each time they received a stamp in their "secret missions" book. 

I hope it was a party that Gabe will always remember!  :)

Things I Was Reminded of the Last Few Weeks...

I have a friend who did this on her blog and I loved it, so I thought I'd do something similar :)

Things I was reminded of the last few weeks...

• It's hard to live away from my mom but it makes it so much nicer when she comes to visit
• Running (or jogging/walking) a 5K can make you feel wonderful...especially when you cross the finish line
• Doing something for a charitable purpose inspires me to be a better person
• Gabe's military obsession isn't going ANYWHERE for a while
• Seeing Gabe smiling and having fun with friends makes all the many days of preparation worth it. His happiness is my happiness  :)
• Running with shin-splints isn't the smartest thing to do BUT when you find out the run is for an amazing cause, it makes it all worth it!
• My daughter is amazing...when I grow up, I want to be just like her...no joke!
• I need to work on my irritability!
• The Seattle area is beautiful when the sun is actually shining  :)
• I am once again reminded of the major blessing of Motherhood that I've received. There are some who are still waiting for their miracle, and I'm praying for them. It truly is a miracal that I am a mother of FOUR beautiful children! Even as I type it, I'm finding it hard to believe...I'm so blessed!
• Sometimes "6:30pm" means before 8pm
• My ancestors were amazing!  The more I learn about their lives and the things they accomplished, the more in awe I am!! How grateful I am to have the opportunity to be with them forever!
• I love being a part of a book club and I also love that the books are focused around traditional values. I'm always a better person after reading each book!
• Family History inspires me!  The Spirit of Elijah is VERY strong...and I love it!!
• Some of my church callings came naturally and were easy to magnify...others, like the one I currently have, takes a little more time to get into the groove...not because I'm not physically capable but because past experiences & self-doubt are hard to overcome sometimes.
• It's hard to see a friend you care for dealing with a loss, especially when you can't do anything to really help  :(
• I hate shin-splints
• I have certain dreams I want to reach and I need to start putting energy into them or I may not
• 6 yr old boys cannot listen (to where it sticks in their little brains) and think/walk/talk at the same time.....ahhhhhhh...give me strength!
• My twinners truly are miracles...I'm so blessed!
• I love reading the scriptures
• True friends are hard to find and even harder to let go of...Can't we just live by each other forever?!?
• My blog is a good source of therapy for me. Not very many people read it, I'm sure, but that's ok. I do it for me and for my family. I love that I add my entries into my yearly book that I make about our family. Isn't technology wonderful?!?
• I love seeing my husband with my kids. He's such a wonderful father. My kids will never fully understand how blessed they are to have him in their life...and I'm so grateful for that fact. Those of us who weren't as lucky, know too well.

...Even if You Stand Alone

Last Friday Hannah had a birthday party to go to. It was for one of her closest friends, which also happens to be in our ward.  She was so excited about it because it was going to be 6 hrs long!!

The party started out awesome...she went bowling, ate pizza & fries, and played field games with all the rest of the kids. The final thing on the agenda for the party was to watch a movie.

I realize that my standards aren't everyone else's standards and I often find myself being the "odd one out" because I have such firm, conservative boundaries when it comes to my children and the home I create for them. I am very picky when it comes to what media sources come into my home and the amount of time the kids are allowed to use them. It's just who I am and the way I feel most comfortable parenting my kids. Sometimes, though, I forget everyone doesn't view things the way I do.

A few months ago I went on a "girls night out" with some friends. We went to dinner and then a movie. The movie was considered a "family movie" and I was actually really excited to see if because it looked cute and it was PG! 

Well, it turned out to be a major disappointment...not "story line" wise, because it was a really cute movie, but when it came to the language, I was SO surprised!! They had a little girl (about 5) swearing in it!  I was like...What?!?  Why would they add that in there? This is suppose to be a family movie!!

The cussing was completely irrelevant...it wasn't like it was war scene with lots of stress & action, you know?  It was completely unnecessary!  It just broke my heart because I had hoped to see the movie again as a "family night out"...but there's no way I'd take my kids to that movie knowing, first of all, the swearing, and secondly, it was marketed to kids (totally against my principles).

So, I'm assuming you've already figured out that it was that same movie that was being shown at the party.

I get a text from Hannah telling me that was the movie they were going to watch and she wanted to know if it was ok for her to watch it. She knew what I thought of the movie because she had heard me complain about it for several days after I had seen it.

This is where I failed as a mom, and this is why I'm writing this post...

I knew in my heart that I didn't want her to see it. I knew in my heart that it wasn't appropriate. I knew I needed to tell her not to but I also knew it should be her choice...she's almost 12 now.

I went to text back and felt the "Am I too strict?" doubts creeping into my head. I really wanted her to enjoy herself and I knew she would feel really uncomfortable/embarrassed if I made her leave early. I had a feeling that she'd make the right choice so I simply said something like..."That's ok. It has cussing in it though. What do you think?"

As soon as I hit send, I knew I had worded it wrong. I knew as soon as she read the words "That's ok" she would feel I was giving her the green light, and she did. She chose to stay.

I felt really uncomfortable the rest of the evening. And I kept hoping my memory wasn't 100% accurate and that maybe there weren't as many as I thought there had been.  When I picked her up, we spoke a little on the subject and I could tell that she had an issue with the swearing but as I did, she thought it was cute anyway.

When we got home, I heard her telling Greg..."It had some cussing in it but it was still really cute!"

Those words were like knives to my heart!! I had just taught my amazing daughter to justify watching a movie with swearing in it because it was cute.  I'M SUCH A MAJOR LOSER!!!

I spoke with Greg after the kids were in bed and he seemed disturbed by it to. But I explained to him that I had began my texting to her with "That's ok". I TOLD HER IT WAS OK TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH SWEARING IN IT!!  What was I thinking?!?!?  We then spoke about how we needed to talk with her and somehow undo that justification because we both knew we couldn't let this get by us. Even though I began the problem (Hannah knew she shouldn't watch the movie or else she wouldn't have texted me) we both knew we had to try and fix it.

This morning I was reading from the Ensign. I had gotten to the back where the talks to the Young Women are. Since I'm now in the YW Presidency, I thought it would be a good idea to quickly read over them. I began with the talk by Sis Dibb  "Arise and Shine Forth".

After reading it, I knew exactly what to do. During our breakfast I brought up the subject. I asked Hannah how she felt about watching that movie. Those dreaded words again..."It had some swearing but it was still really cute." I wanted to cry!

I then went into my apology and told her I hadn't been a good example. I hadn't showed her the right path. I was too busy worrying about her "having fun" and "fitting in" and my own insecurities to stand up for what I knew was right. I also explained that I didn't want to offend the other mother, because I think she's awesome and I didn't want her to think I was judging her.

I told her I was so sorry and that I had made the wrong choice when wording her text ("That's ok").  I explained that I should have told her how I felt about the movie and then just let her choose.

This is when the dagger was shoved deeper into my heart.

Hannah's reply..."yea, I was really surprised when you told me it was ok because I knew it has swearing in it." I felt like a TOTAL loser!!  She would now see me differently, even though I was trying to fix my mistake.

I again apologized. 

Hannah then said that she knew she shouldn't have watch the movie, even after I told her it was OK, but the thought of being the only one to leave (and the fact the the two other Mormon girls weren't) made her really uncomfortable. I told her I understood but we both should have stood up for what we know is right.

Then a quote from the talk I had just read came into my mind. I ran over and began reading it to Hannah.  I got all choked up because once again, the shame was rising within me.

The quote read...

"My young friends, be strong...You know what is right and what is wrong, and no disguise, however appealing, can change that....If your so-called friends urge you to do anything you know to be wrong, you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone."

..."you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone"...those words rang out with truth and I explained to Hannah that we both failed to do that. We were both worried about what others thought of us and we can't let it happen again.  Hannah agreed with me and we both shed a few tears over our learning experience.

It's times like these that make me grateful for the Ensign, for the words of the Prophet, and for our Savior's forgiveness.

I can only hope that my bad example doesn't end up hurting Hannah in the long run. She's never been one to bend with the wind...and I had given her the "go ahead" to do so. I hope she realizes that I was wrong and should NEVER have handled that situation the way I did.

I think I am going to make a plaque to hang on my wall with those words...

"Be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone!"

"I Don't Know"

This is for all you moms out there that have said..."What the HECK were you thinking?!?!"

As I begin this story, you may think to yourselves..."I know what's gonna happen" BUT I wouldn't be so sure. As this unfolded, I continued to be in awe of the situation and, at times, decided to laugh so that I wouldn't cry!

About two weeks ago...(I'm listening from my room as I'm folding clothes)

Hannah: "Gabe, why does your room stink?"
Gabe:  No reply
Hannah: "Gabe! Did you fart or something? It stinks!!  Did you just go poop?"
Gabe: quietly..."yes"

Hannah then walks into the bathroom...

Hannah: "Oh my GOSH!!!  It stinks so bad in here Gabe! You need to use the fan from now on!"
Gabe: quietly "ok"

Hannah then turns on the fan and comes into my room and retells the story that I just listened to. She kept going on and on about how bad it smelled and she couldn't believe that Gabe made it stink so bad. I didn't think much of it and we all continued getting ready for bed.

The next day I was walking down the hall towards Gabe's bedroom. When I got near the bathroom, I quickly stepped in and turned off the fan. It had been on ALL night!  Note to self: give lecture to the kids about them paying for the electricity themselves if they don't start turning things off.

Later in the day I walk by the bathroom...and I smell an odor. I quickly go in and glance around, check the toilet, etc, trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. I was in a hurry so I just turned on the fan and decided I'd figure it out later.  Note to self: cancel the above stated lecture.

That night...

Hannah: "Mom, it really stinks in the hall and bathroom. Do you want me to turn on the fan again?"
Me: "I turned it back on earlier. Did you shut it off?"
Hannah:  "yea...I didn't stink anymore but now it does."
Me: I think to myself what a good choice it was to cancel the lecture..."Me too. I shut it off this morning but had to turn it on after lunch."  Hmmmmm....

So, this is where the drama begins. The little details are a little blurry because when I get to the point of "losing it", my memory seems to not work as well, so this may not be 100% accurate but close enough...

Hannah then goes to question Gabe again and she realizes that his room still stinks as well. He had slept in her room the night before or else I probably would have noticed. Within a minute, she comes back into my bathroom with her mouth wide open from disbelief...I knew I didn't want to hear...

Hannah: "Mom!!  Gabe pooped in his closet!!  He POOPED in his closet!!!"
Me: "WHAT?!?  GABE!!!  Get in here NOW!!!"

Gabe then enters slowly but doesn't seem to disturbed by the whole thing.

Me: "Gabe, why did you POOP in your CLOSET?!?"
Gabe: "I don't know."
Me: "What do you mean...you 'don't know'?"
Gabe: "I don't know."

I then proceed to go over the long list of consequences that he will now have...as Hannah is still trying to figure the whole thing out.

Hannah: "If you pooped in your closet, why does it stink in the bathroom?"
Gabe: "I don't know."  He looks guilty...
Me: "Gabe, what did you do with the poop? Did you flush it down the toilet?"
Gabe: ...looks as if he's pleading the 5th...

Hannah then leaves to go figure out the stinky mystery as I continue on with the now longer list of consequences. Then she returns...

Hannah: "Well...I figured out why it stinks in the bathroom. Gabe put his poop in the garbage."

Hannah was almost laughing because it was just so unbelievable but I lost it...

Me: "GABE!!! You put your poop in the GARBAGE?!?!" Why, Gabe, WHY?!?!  Why would you put your poop in the garbage?!?!"
Gabe: "I don't know."
Me: "How can you NOT know why you pooped in your closet and then threw it away in the bathroom garbage?!?"
Gabe: "I don't know...I was just being lazy?"

At that point, he had to get out of that room before I did something I would regret. I told him that I wasn't going to clean it up because I wanted him to SMELL IT ALL NIGHT LONG!!! I knew that would probably be the worst consequence I could come up with because, ironically enough, he hates to be dirty and he's not a fan of germs...he's always washing his hands, etc. 

When he heard he'd have to sleep in the stinky room, he just fell apart and I felt MUCH better...as bad as that sounds. That night I tried to think of why he would do such a random thing. I began wondering if he had been asleep and was sleepwalking or something?  Or maybe I had him in timeout and he didn't think he could leave his room?

The next morning, I sat down with Gabe to hopefully get answers...

Me: "Gabe, have you figured out why you pooped in the closet?"
Gabe: "no"
Me: "You really have no idea why you did that?"
Gabe: shakes his head
Me: "Were you asleep? Could you not find the bathroom?"
Gabe: "No, I was getting into my pajamas and I guess I just didn't want to hold it so I just pooped in the closet."
Me: "Gabe!! Why didn't you just go to the bathroom? It's right outside your door!"
Gabe: "I don't know."

By this point I knew there was no use continuing on with the questioning because he "didn't know" and if he did, he wasn't about to tell me. I took him upstairs so that he could clean up the mess in his closet (part of his punishment-I knew he'd hate it). As I looked inside his closet, I noticed that there were yellow marks as well...

Me: "Gabe.............(I didn't even want to ask)..................did you pee in the closet too?"
Gabe: "yea"
Me: "What the HECK were you thinking Gabe?!?!?  What is wrong with you??!!!??"
Gabe: "I don't know."



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............the joys of being a mother!!  :)

If It's Not Broken...

Just a quick post to say how much I am NOT thrilled about how Blogger is now set up. I can't seem to find much of anything!  If it's not broken...please...don't fix it!!  I just don't have the time to figure it out!

"It Really Doesn't Matter"

Hannah gets the exciting pleasure to go to the public school next week for 3 days for testing. In the state of Washington, they require the kids who are home schooled to get tested once a year. I think it's kind of silly but hey, when in Rome...

The lady from the school called me a few days ago to make sure Hannah was still planning on coming to the testing. I took the opportunity to chat with her about a few things that irk me about this whole "testing" thing.  My first issue is that Hannah won't be in a familiar environment for the testing (some random classroom filled with random kids and a teacher she doesn't know) and so I asked if she could do the testing online. The lady said that at this point it's not an option but the school district is working on it. I was ok with her answer though it didn't ease the small amount of anxiety I had about the environment issue.

The next issue was bigger in my mind, though I wasn't sure what response I was looking for... BUT, I'll tell you what, the response I got was NO WHERE NEAR what I had expected!!

So, my bigger issue...I have been homeschooling Hannah and mentoring her in the areas of her interests. If she wanted to learn about sharks, then we learned about sharks. If she wanted to learn about Black History, then it was Black History...the solar system, our Nation's history, etc., etc. I'm sure you get my point.

Now, in the area of Reading that's no big deal...reading is reading...comprehending is comprehending. And our Math, I assume is pretty much the same as what they are teaching at the public school but it may not be. It could very well vary a bit from the program she's been using...so only a slight issue.

My biggest issue is in the area of Science. The chances we are studying the same thing as the public school, aren't good. I worried that the testing would not only stress Hannah out (because she won't know the answers) but also that it will not be an accurate assessment of her progress this past year...

I know, I know, those of you who are doing  TJEd in your home are wondering why I'm even bothered by this and here's why...I know my daughter and she'll be nothing but hard on herself if she doesn't know the answers to the questions. I've spoken with her and she understands that she just needs to do her best but, again, I know her, and I know her "I've got to be perfect" personality...it's going to be a long couple weeks after that testing. The other reason (accurate assessment) was more to make a point...the testing is pretty much useless because it's not ACCURATE!!! Why are you making my daughter go through 3 days of testing when it isn't ACCURATE?!?!?  It's just a waste of tax payers money....

Anyway, back to the lady's response...

I went through my last concern with her and I about fell off my chair with her response...

"Ma'am, this testing doesn't mean anything. It doesn't go toward college admissions, it doesn't affect the child's grade (letter grade), it doesn't affect if the child passes their current grade or not. Kids come into the office worried about these tests because they think if they fail the test they won't go to the next grade, which is just not the case. The test really doesn't matter"... as she continued on, the impression I got was that the testing was to pretty much to make the government happy so the school can get funding.

REALLY?!?  Are you kidding me?!?

And I'm NOT joking!!

Obama's Baptism...

I saw this on Facebook and had to laugh!! Thought I'd share to give whoever reads my blog a smile :)

Maybe Someday I'll Figure It Out

Sometimes I just have to wonder what's going through Gabe's little head. And it seems like as soon as I figure him out, I realize I haven't.

Today, I had to get very upset with Gabe because he wasn't following the rules concerning his baby sisters. He tends to like to grab onto their arms, get into their faces, and roll on top of them. We have been trying to break him of those habits practically since the day they were born!!  But every day it's the same thing!! In fact, it can be just minutes between each of the offenses. I just can't imagine why he would do something that he was just told NOT to do...and that he's been told NOT to do for the past 20 months!!

So back to today. I had sent him to his room because he grabbing onto Emma's arms, which ended up twisting it and freaking me out because I don't want her to have another broken arm. I do want to state that I had told him less than two minutes prior to "let go of her arms!!" 

I brought Gabe down from his room so we could talk about why he had gotten into trouble. We were sitting on the couch having a deep conversation about how I HATE to have to get upset with him but when he chooses not to follow the rules I have to, etc. I was truly trying to attempt to get something to seep into his adorable little head. I kept thinking..."this time I think he gets it. I can see it in his eyes". I just knew that I had found the right words to get through to him...I could tell by the way he was answering the questions and the sincere look on his face. And I believed it when he said he was doing it just because he thought they were "just so cute!". I understood his temptation but I had to, once again (for the millionth time), explain to him why he can't.

Then, in mid-"I think I'm getting through to him" thought, I see the look on his face change, his eyes light up and I could tell that I lost him. I quickly looked around as I tried to figure out what was causing his retreat, but saw nothing. In a split second, I saw all my carefully chosen words go out the window! I moved my face into his line of vision and asked "what?" as his now excited body, slowly slid down to the floor. Still confused I waited for his answer...."a fort!"  Huh?!? A fort? What the heck was he talking about?!?  Then his little body began crawling under my legs that were propped up onto the coffee table.

His little boy mind had gone from "yes, I'm listening and learning" to "Wow!  Look at that fort that mom's legs are making" in a millisecond. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!

I attempted to reel him back in and insisted that he sat back onto the couch. I tried hard not to show the grin on my face but I was so shocked by what I had just witnessed it was hard to hide. I looked him straight in the eye and began once again to get his attention. I wasn't sure if anything was getting through so I thought I'd ask him a question to see if he was actually listening to me. What was his response?  "Wow! I can see myself in your eyes mom!!" Yes, that's right, he was looking me in the eyes but he wasn't listening to a single word I said...he was checking out his own reflection in my eyes!!

At that point I explained to him that he needed to concentrate on what I was saying because it was important...but all he was worried about was if I could see my reflection in his eyes.

Needless to say, our "please follow the rules" moment turned into an "aren't forts & reflections cool?" moment.  Not exactly what I was looking for...

Maybe someday I'll figure it out...sigh!

Doubting...and the Innocent Suffer

I've always been a very careful mother. I've always had rules & boundaries put into place to keep my children safe...when it comes to TV, computer, friends, safety, food, etc. Some may think I'm a little "over-the-top" with these rules but to me, they just felt right.

But lately I've been struggling with the thought that maybe those other individuals are right. Maybe I do need to chill out a bit and stop worrying about what "could" happen.  Maybe lightening up a little would be better for my children and easier on me. It would save me a lot of stress in my life not trying to uphold all the rules I've put into place.

Then, one day, I was speaking with a few of my friends and we were talking about the crazy things we used to do as kids. We then began saying that we'd kill our kids if they did those same things. But then one of my friends spoke up and said that she lets her kids do most things they ask but she tries so make sure it's done as safely as possible. She went into a story about letting her kids jump off the stairs into a huge pile of pillows and how much fun her kids had doing it. Someone then asked her if she was worried about injuries. She said she was but she didn't want to steal their childhood from them. (Nothing against her point-of-view because I feel each mother has the right to their own parenting style. The issue was about what I did after this conversation)

That conversation was all it took for me to really question my current stance on things. I began thinking how much fun it would be to jump off the stairs into a pile of pillows and how thrilled my kids would be if I let them do it!  I began thinking about all the fun things I did as a kid, including sliding down the stairs, head first, in a sleeping bag!! Seriously, some of the best fun I had with my friends!!

I know one reason I'm self-conscious about this topic is due to the fact that Greg and Hannah are always telling me I'm too intense & serious and that I need to "have some fun". And I have to admit, before having children & becoming a mom, I was A LOT more adventurous and anxious about trying out new things. I had always wanted to go sky diving and hang gliding and things such as that. I loved that rush that came from trying new and daring things.

I decided it was time to try to "lighten up" and let the kids be kids. I didn't want to "steal their childhood" from them. I made a conscious effort to lessen the amount of times I told them what could happen "if..." and just let them be; just let them have fun.

I'm sad to say that it was only a few weeks later, when tragedy struck and the thought instantly went through my mind..."This is all your fault!! You allowed this to happen because you let others convince you to change what you knew was right!! You gave into peer pressure and now look what happened!!!  You should NEVER have gone against your better judgement!! You should have stood your ground!!  You ought to be ashamed!!!"  :'(

Over and over these phrases and more rushed through my mind as my precious little baby lay screaming bloody murder in my arms, and I couldn't do one thing about it!!  If only I could have taken her place.  I would have done it in a heartbeat...but I couldn't! All I could do was sit and pray that the Lord would comfort Emma in her time of need and forgive me for my pride.  I think having to listen to her scream for 2 hours was my punishment for "joining the herd" and following everyone else. I truly am so ashamed.

Allow me to share the story...

It was January 16th, and I was at the stove finishing up dinner. I had my back to the couch so I didn't see that Emma had climbed on top of it.

But the truth is, I wouldn't have done anything, even if I had seen her. You see, this was one area I had "lightened up" on. I was constantly telling Emma and Ellie to get off the couch or to sit down on the couch because I was afraid they would fall off and hurt themselves. I know that I shouldn't have given up but it seemed like a never-ending battle to keep them off of it. Finally, I told myself that this is probably one of those areas that I could let go of and just let them be. Just let them have fun. Just let them crawl around on the couch.  Even though my mind would be freaking out..."What if she falls? What if she breaks her neck? etc. etc.", I wouldn't have said anything, for fear of "stealing their childhood" and causing them to be overly scared in normal situations. I would have just said a silent prayer in my heart.

Then I heard the thump, the gasp from Greg, and the horrific screams from Emma!!! The poor little thing had fallen off the couch, onto her left arm (she was attempting to catch herself), and the arm hyper-extended, which ended up causing a severe break to her humerus!

That bump is not her elbow, it's the bone that's poking out because it's in the wrong place...the completely opposite side
of the arm than it should be!!   :(

After a trip to the Urgent Care w/ x-rays and a trip to Auburn Medical Center w/ 3 attempts at IV's we finally made it to our "should have been" destination...Seattle Children's Hosptial.  They repeated the xrays, which was such a treat, but they did give her lots of pain medication.

She ended up actually completely severing the bone right by the elbow, and then must have landed on it, which twisted it 180 degrees. As you can see, the xray shows it too clearly and it made me cringe when I saw it.

In this xray, you can see the bone that broke off. The part poking out on the right, is actually suppose to be
on the left side of the arm.  Pretty gross, huh?!?

Here's the xray of the pins they put in to make sure it heals correctly.  Ouch!!

Here are some more pics of Emma's accident...

A little blurry, but here's little Emma riding in the ambulance. She was so brave!
She didn't cry once!!

I think this pic kind of shows the type of day she had been through. Her little eyes are so puffy from crying. As you can see, they did put a brace on it so she'd be more comfortable until she got her surgery.

Here's Emma about to go into surgery. This is the pic I took to send to Greg to let him know his little princess
was about to go into surgery.

This is just a typical Emma pose. I had to capture it for Greg. She's so funny...she always has to have one of her legs up on something.  It made me smile to see her like this and to know that she'd be better soon!  Moments after this pic, they rolled her away into surgery.  Up until this point I was doing Ok. But then I realized I didn't have anyone to give me a big hug and tell me it was going to be alright. My phone was just about to die, so I couldn't call anyone either. So instead, I went to the cafeteria and got some food. I sat at my table, all alone, crying into my Chinese noodle salad. Good thing the surgery went well and only took about 45mins. I'm not sure I could have handled much longer!

My adorable Emma after surgery. I walked around the gift shop looking for a special stuffed toy. When I saw this "little lamb", I HAD to get it. One of Emma's nick-names is "Little Lamb". I was so so happy to find that "perfect" gift to give her. It became her best friend for the remainder of our stay in the hospital.

Perfect Timing!!!  Of course, Emma had to hurt herself during the BIG Snow/Ice storm that hit Seattle. In this pic, the storm had just hit us. Let's just say, it made for a long drive home, when it came time to go.

Here's little Ellie trying to be the best big sister and helping her injured twinner out. She really missed having Emma around...especially at bedtime.

Well, I suppose what I'm getting at with this post, is that I'm so bummed that I second-guessed my mother's intuition. I knew what was best for my children and I allowed other's points-of-view to alter mine. 

Sadly, due to my inability to believe in myself and due to my pride, my dear little Emma had to suffer with severe pain...so not fair!! I deserved to be the one in pain...and instead, the innocent suffered!!  I can never make this up to Emma, but I'll tell you what, I have learned a valuable lesson...I'll never allow someone else to make me question the rules I have in place for my greatest assets...my precious children!

<3