A Complete & Utter Mess!!

It's been a rough couple of days for me...really rough. I'm such an emotional person as is, but add a pregnancy into the mix and I'm a complete mess. Having to send Shailee back to her home was such a difficult decision and to tell you the truth, I'm still not 100% sure it was the right one. My heart tells me it was but my head is telling me otherwise. I really wish Greg and I would have been able to get through to her. She is such a special young woman and I want only the best for her but I fear she doesn't see herself the same way. From this point on, all we can do is pray and fast for her and her family. They tend to not get along well when Shailee's around because she's so difficult sometimes. I suppose if she got anything...any little, microscopic thing...out of living with us, then it was definitely all worth it but I'm not sure that she did. I love her so much and it just breaks my heart that I couldn't reach her. I feel like I failed...miserably. Then I start 2nd guessing how I'm parenting my kids and if I'm failing them as well. I'm just a mess right now!

During these past few days I've realized that I CANNOT breath when I'm crying...I feel like I'm having a huge asthma attack or something. It's somewhat scary. I think it's to do with being pregnant...maybe my lungs are getting squished or something. Yesterday, Greg came home...after I had texted him many times telling him I needed him home because I was gonna lose it...and found me curled up on the couch, covered by Hannah's special blanket & her "teddy bear pumpkin" laying next to me. My eyes were swollen and I was still whimpering. I had had an AWFUL day with Gabe. He was in rare form and with me being pregnant, I was limited on how I could deal with him. It made for a very bad combination. Anyway, at one point I just lost it. Hannah was in the other room and came in to help her mommy. I couldn't talk to her because I couldn't breath...I couldn't breath because I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop crying because I had finally had a breakdown...it was coming out whether I wanted it to or not! Between the stress of Shailee's departure and the stress of Gabe, I just couldn't hold it together anymore...I began to weep uncontrollably. Hannah sat by me and rubbed my back, stroked my hair, brought me Kleenex, and repeatedly asked what she could do for me. The poor little thing was beside herself because she had no clue what to do. I was, as I've said before, a COMPLETE & UTTER mess!!! After what seemed like an hour, I was finally able to slow my wailing to a whimper, catch my breath and lie down. That's when Hannah went and got her favorite things and used them to comfort me..her blanket & teddy bear. What a special act of kindness on her part! I love her so much!! She's such an amazing little girl...such a great example to me! She sat on the couch with me until Greg got home. She was like my little guardian angel, making sure I was ok. It was so precious! How blessed am I that my little girl still loves me even though I fail repeatedly when it comes to parenting her. I've vowed from the beginning to do my best...I can only hope it's good enough. Because my kids deserve the best!!!

"I Can't Wrap My Mind Around It...HELP!!!"

I woke up this morning with thoughts of a nice Spring day...playing with Gabe outside, maybe even taking him to the park since Greg had gone on Hannah's field trip with her. But my nice thoughts were quickly SMASHED when I realized there was SNOW all over the ground outside!! This has been one of the worst winters of my life! I know for the majority of it I was sick on a couch but it doesn't change the fact that I'm DONE WITH WINTER!!! IS IT NOT SPRING?!? TOMORROW IS MAY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!!! But being one who likes to document such unwanted events, I put on my jacket, grabbed my camera and headed outside to take a couple of pics. The snow was beautiful but I want the beauty of Spring to meet me when I walk out my door. I snapped a couple of shots, which didn't turn out the best because I didn't want to actually step in the snow and my zoom lens was in the house.


The birdbath that should be bathing birds is only creating an ice rink for them.


This is an odd shot but again...no zoom lens. Notice how our budding tree is now freezing to death!! Good thing I haven't started my garden yet!

So, as I was walking around the yard and taking random pics, I noticed something very weird. I stopped to examine the situation and it was exactly as I thought it was. I wanted to be surprised but I was not in the slightest. Allow the photos to explain the story....put on your detective hats parents cuz you're gonna need them. Some things are just way over our "old" heads and we just can't put clues together to figure out the story...but give it your best shot!!


Hmmmmm....look at those two sets of foot prints in the snow (hard to tell there's two but there are) that lead to my basement window. WAIT!! Not just any basement window but the window of my 16yr old niece's room!! Holy smokes...what is going on here?!?! I can't figure this out!! I'm too dumb and old to understand the evidence in from of me....Also notice the open gate...hmmmm...very interesting!


Wait!! The footprints lead to the window and the window well cover is off!!! Why would that be?!? Why would anyone want to remove that cover when it's been put there for safety purposes?!? I can't wrap my mind around it!! HELP..anyone who hasn't gotten "old brain syndrome" since you've gotten older...HELP!! I can't figure this out!!!!

Once inside I noticed that the bar we have in place to secure our sliding back door had been removed!! Why?!? Tell me Why would someone remove another thing put in place for safety purposes? I mean if it's removed, someone could come into our house through the back door...not that there would be any reason for someone to do that, right?!?

OK, HOW DUMB DOES SHE THINK I AM?!? HOW DUMB ARE THEY FOR LEAVING THE EVIDENCE?!? HOW DID THEY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE WHEN THE FOOTPRINTS ONLY LEAD "TO" THE WINDOW?!? SO MANY QUESTIONS AND NO ANSWERS!! WHAT WILL I DO?!?

Let me just say one thing...I can't wait until she gets home and I can mess with her for a bit. You know, throw out random comments & odd questions that'll get her mind racing!! I'm sure I'll enjoy the panicked look on her face much more than I should...Don't mess with me little one because I've been where you've been and I know what you're up to and I'm gonna get an unusual thrill out of messing with you in return!! It's on!!

Doing My Part

On my way to my doctor's appointment today, I decided to stop at good ol' Mickey D's for breakfast. Once I was driving away, with my yummy breakfast burrito in hand, I attempted to roll up my window...and it wouldn't budge. Now for those of you who live around me, you know that the weather was awfully cold with snow flurries. A quick wave of panic went through me as I realized that I had to get on I-15 to go to Orem. I glanced at little Gabe in the back seat and almost started to cry because I knew he was going to get extremely cold! I tried repeatedly to roll it back up with no luck. I did think about canceling my appointment but I really wanted to go. I hadn't been feeling baby B at all during the last couple of weeks and I wanted to make sure she was alright. I sat there, almost crying, trying to figure out what to do. I texted Greg to tell him the joyous news concerning my rebellious window, just because I needed someone to vent to, but I knew he couldn't do anything because he was in Logan. Finally, I calmed my racing mind and turned to prayer. I knew the Lord would help me because this was a righteous desire. Gabe and I said a small prayer asking for His help with the situation and began on our way. The whole way into Lehi, I kept trying & trying to get that darn window up, each attempt failed. When I got to the Lehi McDonald's I pulled in because I knew Gabe would literally FREEZE if we got on that freeway. It was already freezing in the car while going 40mph, with the heat on full blast!! I sat there in the parking lot and decided that since the Lord didn't fix the window, he must have wanted me to figure it out myself and do what I could. So, I texted Greg and asked if there was another route I could take, preferably back roads with low speed limits and waited for his reply. I wasn't sure if he'd reply because I knew he was working and may not get it in time. I sat there thinking that there had to be a way without the freeway. I had mapped out a "I hope that'll work" route in my mind and was about to set out on my journey, when Greg texted back. He gave me some directions that removed the I-15 from my drive. I was SO thrilled!!! Then I glanced at the time and realized that I was going to be late if I took the long way around but I knew I had no other choice. I started my car so I could leave and I had a feeling to check the window once more, though I had a feeling the Lord had helped me via the alternate route I had just received. I was so thankful and excited when the window went up on my 1st try!! I sat there just amazed because I knew the Lord had answered my prayers, AFTER I had done all that I could! He wanted to see if I would do my part to fix the situation not just sit there and wait for Him to do it all. I had Gabe say a quick "thank you" prayer for the blessing that we had received and we were finally on our way.

This experience has helped me to remember that God helps those who help themselves! And I think it was a great opportunity to teach Gabe how loving our Heavenly Father is and that he's aware of each of us and our individual needs.

Consider Yourself Warned!!

Yesterday, I went to JoAnn's to get some stretchy fabric for a shirt I'm gonna be making (that's a whole other story-let's just say, I lack in the knowledge area when it comes to sewing. Good thing those who don't are only a phone call away!). I was about half-way through my shopping experience when I had to take a potty break...of course!! I've decided I'm not only investing in mustard but also in Charmin. It's completely out-of-hand! Anyway, I waddled across the store to the restrooms (they're always on the other side when I'm in "emergency" mode, which is pretty much every potty break...the girls think my bladder is a trampoline or something) and had to drag little Gabe into the "girls" bathroom, which he wasn't very happy about!

Pause...

side story...the other day I was checking out at Walmart and Gabe said he had to go potty. So I sent him with Hannah knowing she's more than capable of dealing with the situation. When they returned, Hannah had a funny look on her face. I finally asked her what was up. She then turned and look at me with a kind-of tickled look on her face and said something like..."they had a little Buddy sized potty for Gabe..." (this is when my head began to think so as she continued I was only listening half way...I knew the front restrooms in Walmart only had full-sized toilets...so as I was replaying what she said in my mind, she continued) ..."and it was hanging on the wall. It was kind of funny looking." Once I processed the 1st part of her statement, my mind cringed as it went onto the 2nd part of her statement....hanging on the wall?!?!? What?!? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Hannah had taken Gabe into the boys bathroom to go potty and she went in with him!! I stood there speechless, not sure what to say. Finally I asked her if she had actually took him into the boys bathroom. She replied, "he didn't want to go into the girls so I took him into the boys". My eyes, by this point, were huge just from imagining what could have gone wrong in such a situation. I then explained to her that little 9 yr old girls DO NOT go into the boys bathrooms because it's not appropriate. She seemed to understand why but I still couldn't get my mind off of some guy walking into the restroom and finding my 9yr old little girl in there!! And what if he was a freak and decided to relieve himself while she was waiting on Gabe!!!! Oh, the horror stories that could have come out of that situation!!! I'm so so grateful that they were the only ones in there, which is a major miracle.

Anyway...back to JoAnn's...

Once inside the stall, I gave Gabe the "don't touch anything" spill that I always give. Then proceeded to save my bladder from possible destruction via rupture. After I stood up, I noticed something very very disgusting! There was pee all over the floor and I was standing right in it!! I again, repeated the "don't touch anything, especially the floor" command to Gabe with more emotion, this time around. I couldn't believe that someone just left pee on the floor!!! I mean, who does that?!? If Gabe misses for whatever reason...I clean it up! I wipe off the toilet or the ground!!! It's called common courtesy!!! Am I wrong?!?!?

Now for the point of this post....I've never been one who touches the flush handles in any business bathrooms. I just don't! I use my foot to flush. I've wondered a few times, if I'm just being anal about it (after I saw Gabe doing it with his foot at home) because I'm gonna wash my hands anyway...but I just can't bring myself to touch it!! YUCKIE!! Then as I lifted my now pee-covered shoe to flush the toilet, I realized EXACTLY why I don't touch the handles...little boys pee on the floor, lazy mother's don't clean it up, innocent "potty breakers" accidentally step in it and then proceed to flush the toilet with their feet!! That's why!!

I finally got the confirmation that I needed!!! I'm not being anal...I'm being smart! Who wants someone else's pee on their hands?!? The thought freaks me out! For a split second I felt guilty that my pee-shoe was going to touch the handle that many other ladies would touch, but I wasn't about to use my hands...sorry! So, if you're still one who actually flushes the toilet with your hands, in public places, just imagine my dirty-nasty-pee-shoe flushing the toilet right before you! You just might change your mind!

Consider yourself warned!!!

?????

How come my husband never reads my blog?!? :(

(I'm putting this in here as a guilt trip for when he does...maybe I'll get a new pair of shoes out of it!)

Mustard?

For the past several weeks I have had severe charlie horses in both of my arms. I'm sure it's from a lack of some vitamin that my babies are taking from me.

Well last night I couldn't sleep because my left arm hurt SO SO bad!! It kept waking me up and I had no clue what to do about it. The pain continued through the morning & afternoon. By dinner time I decided I couldn't handle it anymore and went online to see if there was some sort of remedy for the pain. Most of the "doctor" sites said to drink OJ (which I tried-didn't work) or to eat a banana (which I cant because I'm allergic). I thought my searching was all in vein and just continued making dinner.

But then, I just couldn't handle the pain any longer...

Have you ever hit a certain point where you're willing to try ANYTHING to fix a certain situation?!? That's where I was at!! While searching all the "doctors" suggestions, I came across a "try this...it sounds weird...but it'll work!!" kind of thread. It said to rub mustard all over the cramping area and it would make it go away. I was like...."yeah, I'll just drink some more OJ and see if that'll help" but I kept it in the back of my mind as a "just incase". So when I hit that point where I was like..."I'm gonna try it because NOTHING else is helping and I just want to chop my arm off", I decided to give it a try. I lathered my arm & hand with mustard and put on a plastic glove. Hannah and Shailee were looking at me like I was crazy BUT I did tell them that sometimes the homopathic remedies really work...though I didn't think this one would.

SURPRISE!! SURPRISE!! Within about 20 minutes the pain had lessened and within about an hour it was pretty much gone. I was amazed!!

So here I sit with a yellow stained arm & hand but it's totally worth it!! I'm gonna have to buy stock in Oscar Meyer mustard because I'm sure I'll be buying a lot of it over the next 20 weeks!!

Who would have guessed?!?

10%

So, I'm wondering if 10% is truly enough. I mean, it's enough for our Father in Heaven who only requires 10% in return for all income he provides for us.

Today I realized that I am only accomplishing about 10% of what I want to in a day. I am so far behind! I can't even look over what I missed yesterday because I'm still trying to accomplish the things I need to get done today. At the end of each day, I lay in bed thinking "what did I actually get done today?" and it's always the same old things....fed the kids breakfast, got Hannah off to school, fed Gabe lunch, maybe did a load of laundry or managed to make it to the store for a few groceries, cooked dinner, bathed the kids, got the kids in bed. And that's it!! No...cleaning bathroom, cleaning out pantry, organized craft room, putting away laundry, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.....

So, I began to wonder if 10% is really enough. I've decided at this point in my life, it's about all I can give. There have been times when I was giving all I had and getting all of my list accomplished. There have been times when I was giving all I had and had to put off what I wanted to finish today until the next day. And then there are times like the present, when I give all I have and I struggle to get ANYTHING accomplished.

I guess the key phrase in that paragraph is "give/giving all I have" because maybe that's where it counts. Maybe as long as I am doing all I can, I just need to accept it. I'm really beginning to hope that the Lord accepts it as well.

During times like this, it's hard to find joy in the journey because I'm constantly feeling like I'm failing. I wonder how my house survives each day, how the kids don't seem effected by the clutter building up everywhere, and how I am beginning to look past things that would have drove me crazy just months ago. How is it that we manage to adapt without falling apart? I think maybe I could fall apart if I allowed myself to but I'm trying really hard to focus on the "good, better, best" things in my life. And the truth is, doing the basics for my family is the "best" thing I can do with my time....the pantry, craft room, closets, etc. would be the "good" things. And even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want those good things done, they'll just have to wait until my "giving all I have" includes them.

So, I guess for right now....10% will just have to be enough.